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The Anger Exchange: Give Up These 7 to Gain This Instead

If you’ve read my book, The Secret Side o f Anger, or attended one of my lectures on the topic, you know that while there are thousands of events that can trigger anger, there are actually only three root causes: hurt, fear, and frustration. In any given circumstance, you can trace anger back to one or more of these causes. For the purpose of today’s show, I’ve going to cover seven erroneous belief systems and/or behaviors that fuel our outrage, how we can relinquish them, and what we will gain by doing so.
Give up:
1. Limiting or inaccurate beliefs: It’s not uncommon to make statements such as “It’s impossible” or “I can’t do that.” In doing so, we are putting constraints on life’s possibilities and restricting our chances for success. Beliefs such as “I’m not good enough” erode our self-esteem and lead to a life of depression and failure. Feelings of hopelessness (the very definition of anger) and frustration (a root cause) lead to anger, outrage, and despair.
Gain: A positive outlook allows for unlimited possibilities and fuels desire, hope, and effort. Excitement, determination, and accomplishment replace hopelessness, self-loathing, and anger. Self-confidence rises out of our continued successes.

2. Complaining: By its very nature, the act of finding fault with a situation or person focuses on the negative. Our expectations of how things should be or how another should act have not met our standards. Negative thoughts can only lead to negative feelings such as disgust, disillusionment, and anger. Gratitude is the antidote to criticizing.
Gain: Finding something, anything, to be grateful for enables one to see the goodness and benefits that surround them. In that way, one experiences joyfulness and gratitude rather than disdain.

3. Need to be right: Like kerosene to a flame, the need to be right is a guaranteed accelerant of anger. Rooted in low self-esteem, one needs to prove their level of intelligence, their worthiness, and/or superiority over another in order to feel good about themselves and to maintain a particular image in front of others. When two parties disagree, needing to prove one’s authority over the other will invariably end in a fight. Disagreements do not necessarily equate to issues of right or wrong but may instead indicate a person’s preferences or opinions. Work on strengthening how you feel about yourself and the need to be right will vanish.
Gain: This one simple shift will dramatically improve the quality of your relationships as others begin to feel more comfortable in your presence. Your confidence enables you to be more open-minded and relaxed while enjoying the other person’s company more. The possibility of offending or alienating the other person is dramatically reduced.

4. Control: The need to control is based in fear. It’s normal and healthy to be concerned about how one’s life progresses as we all worry about our own well-being. In any situation, we try to create the outcome that will be best for us (and others if possible).The one who has greater control appears to have greater influence on the outcome. One lacks trust in the natural progression of life or in the capabilities of others. The need to have a predetermined result leads to anxiety and worry, underlying causes of anger.
Gain: Letting go and allowing life to unfold naturally means having faith and trust in one’s ability to adapt to their changing circumstances. Additionally, it illustrates a faith in God that what is meant to enter or exit our lives is always for our higher good. Relinquishing control makes way for a relaxed and peaceful approach to life.

5. Judgment: We are typically harsh in our assessment of others. We form critical opinions that create a hierarchy of value among us. Judgments are formed through the practice of comparisons: we compare others with ourselves or with what we consider to be normal or acceptable. We fail to allow for individual circumstances, personality traits, beliefs, abilities, etc. Judging creates tension in relationships on every level. Negative and unkind thoughts about others lead to resentment, anger, disgust, and so on. Replacing judgment with understanding allows one to be more compassionate and supportive.
Gain: One immediately gains self-respect when they choose to no longer criticize or compare others. Allowing each person to navigate their own life in their own time and way reduces stress and arrogance within the critic as they become more compassionate and kinder beings. One’s reputation for being non-judgmental serves them well in every aspect of their life. Additionally, personal relationships become less confrontational and more enjoyable.

6. Resistance to change: Many people don’t like change because along with change comes the fear of the unknown. It’s not actually the uncertainty that people are afraid of but more specifically how they will be affected by it. When change is forced upon them they seek to maintain the status quo and become angry and resentful at the thought of someone forcing something upon them. Even necessary variations can cause anxiety and fear, underlying causes of anger. Accepting that change is both necessary and beneficial can help alleviate one’s fears. Building self-confidence, the belief in one’s abilities to thrive in any new circumstance, is empowering and freeing.
Gain: The more accepting one is concerning any of life’s conditions the less effort is expended in resistance, anger, bitterness, and fear. One is free to live a relaxed life eager and willing to face every new adventure life has to offer. A spirit of courage and enthusiastic anticipation allows for joyful living.

7. Blame: People are often eager to hold others accountable for any unfavorable events that occur. They blame others for how they feel, the poor choices they’ve made, and the sad condition of their lives. Blame renders one powerless as it transfers authority to another. If someone else is responsible for the condition of my life then that indicates that I have no power or control over myself. That is simply not true. I have intellect, free will, and choice. While I may not be able to fully control what occurs around me, I always have control over how I respond to it, perceive it, use it, and allow it to affect my life. Personal responsibility is where our personal power lies. Blame implies one is powerless (another definition of anger) and that invariable leads to distrust, bitterness, resentment, and self-pity.
Gain: Those who take full ownership for their feelings, choices, and life in general definitely feel stronger and more effective. They understand that they have full authority to change whatever is not working for them. In this way, their determination and perseverance will eventually provide the kind of life they are seeking.

When you give up each of the above mentioned behaviors, you will discover that there is greater ease to living, an improvement in most relationships, a greater sense of gratitude and joy in life, higher levels of self-esteem and confidence, and a new-found respect for one’s self. But the greatest gain in this process is inner peace. This is by far the most precious gift one can acquire in life. For without inner peace, nothing else truly matters.

Order The Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html

Listen to past shows on iHeart Radio @ http://ow.ly/OADTf
Listen to my newest iHeart Radio show, BETWEEN YOU AND GOD, @ http://ow.ly/OADJK
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7 TIBETAN STEPS TO LASTING JOY

There is something about the country of Tibet that has always intrigued me. Perhaps it’s the beautiful landscape along crystal blue waters or the unique architecture of its oriental style buildings. Or more importantly a group of monks that call this country their home are known for their serene way of life. They seem unaffected by the modern day stresses and anger that the rest of us are subjected to while residing primarily in a state of bliss. What is the secret to their joy? Researchers conducted a study of Tibetan monks and found that there are seven rituals that increase their levels of happiness an astonishing 700-800% over the average person.

1. Being Mindful: For many of us, the stressors of our daily lives are a lot to deal with. We’re often multitasking or thinking ahead as to what we need to take care of next. We are so consumed with the vast amount of tasks we are responsible to complete in the course of the day, as well as what faces us tomorrow and in our future, that we fail to be fully present to what is happening in the moment. The old cliché, “stop and smell the roses” is a great reminder of being mindful. Be aware of all that is around you and you will discover undiscovered beauty that can greatly enhance your day. Take time to gaze out of a window at the earth and sky around you; take notice of the color, texture, and aroma of the food you are eating; sit quietly as you watch with deep intent your child coloring a picture.

2. Oneness: Tibetan monks practice the belief of “oneness”, that we are all interconnected. The same energy that is me is also that which all others are comprised of. An activity called “compassion meditation” increases happiness and empathy by as much as 800%. Remembering that we all share the same basic needs, feelings, desires, and fears enables us to be less judgmental and more empathetic to the feelings and suffering of others. The desire to see others safe and happy and prosperous magnifies our own feelings of joy as well.

3. Laughing Out Loud: For 5,000 years, Tibetan monks have begun each day by laughing out loud upon awakening. It enables them to remain calmer and more focused. It is well documented that laughter has medicinal benefits by reducing the production of stress hormones while triggering the release of happiness-boosting endorphins. It also reduces tension in the blood vessels of the head, thus improving the flow of oxygen rich blood to the brain, keeping them alert. Faking a laugh can have the same benefits as laughter caused by a funny incident of joke. Recommended daily dose? A lot.

4. Sitting Up Straight: Good posture has multiple benefits. Consider this: all of the body’s nerves flow through the spine. Any interference can lead to reduction in brain function. Simply pulling one’s shoulders back can increase the electrical current to the brain. And the more efficiently the brain functions the less stress it endures. Less stress = greater happiness.

5. Gazing At One Object: I’ve always had the ability to “out-stare” anyone. I could affix my eyes on an object and stare at it without blinking for a long time. Tibetan monks meditate on a sole object. Studies show that doing so activates the frontal lobes of the brain, areas associated with superior concentration and faster reaction time. The greater our ability to concentrate the less effort we put forth in doing so. This enables us to feel more relaxed. And the beauty of this exercise is that it can be done anywhere for a short period of time to reap the benefits. Standing in line at the supermarket provides a perfect time for a mini one-point meditation.

6. Listening to Bells: The monks of Tibet begin and end prayer with the sound of small brass discs attached by string, called tingsha. Each disc is handmade so no two are identical. This causes each to vibrate at a slightly different frequency when struck. Studies show that when your brain hears two different frequencies it registers a frequency equal to the difference between the two. This sound refreshes both the body and the mind and is associated with both relaxation and heightened creativity.

7. Humming: Many cultures utilize chants or humming as a way to relax and focus. I recall listening to the Gregorian Chants sung by Catholic monks when I was a child. I always found them to be very soothing and comforting. But even the act of simply humming can increase your brainpower, boost endorphins, and lower your blood pressure and heart rate. Humming vibrates the hypothalamus and pituitary glands deep inside the brain, releasing feel-good hormones and disengaging the fight-or-flight response when one is stressed or fearful. Using a vowel sound such as ‘ah’ or ‘oh’ and lowering the sound to a place where you can feel the vibration throughout your entire body. I’ve used the sound “OM”. The mantra “OM” is the name of God, the very vibration of the Supreme Being. OM is the reflection of the absolute reality, without beginning or the end and embracing all that exists. It’s an excellent tool to reduce stress and induce joy and tranquility.

Monks, whether Tibetan, Catholic or any other faith, are globally recognized as authorities in tranquility and joy. Choose one or more of the above mentioned practices and incorporate it into your daily routine. Then take notice of how much happier and more relaxed you are. Here’s to your bliss.
Order The Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html

Listen to past shows on iHeart Radio @ http://ow.ly/OADTf
Listen to my newest iHeart Radio show, BETWEEN YOU AND GOD, @ http://ow.ly/OADJK
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Anger and the 2 “F” Words

No, I’m not speaking about that “F” word. I’m going to address two different words beginning with the letter “f” and how they influence the decisions we make, our responses in any given situation, and how the outcome adds to or subtracts from our happiness and/or contributes to our anger. Those two words are “feelings” and “facts”. Let me explain.

We typically make decisions in life based on how we’re feeling* in regard to a person or set of circumstances. The other option we utilize are making fact-based choices. Here’s an example: I’m offered an exciting new job with a start-up company. I’ll be given a beautiful office, an impressive title, and a substantial increase in salary. I’m super excited and jump on the opportunity. Two months later, I’m unhappy and having second thoughts. “It’s not exactly what I had wanted to do and the hours are very long.” Although the person hiring me fully explained all of this prior to my acceptance, I was excited and hopeful and made a “feelings-based” decision rather than one based on actual facts. Allowing my feelings to override the reality of what the job entailed, I now find myself angry in my new set of circumstances.

Here’s another example: statistics prove that skateboarding leads to thousands of accidents a year, but feeling confident that I’m still young enough to master this adolescent sport, I set forth to prove my agility and bravery. However, I soon find myself livid and remorseful as I hobble into the emergency room an hour later with a broken ankle. And to make matters worse, I now have to cancel my skiing trip to Aspen.
Feelings are a critical component in any decision-making process. However, it is imperative to consider all of the facts involved as well. We needn’t make choices based merely on one or the other. By considering both aspects – the facts as well as the emotions – we are more likely to make sound decisions that are valid for years to come.

Facts can also influence feelings if we allow them to. In the case of this year’s presidential election, many people have already chosen the candidate they are going to vote for. Negative issues about their candidate do not persuade them to reconsider their choice. By either ignoring or excusing factual based information, they are able to maintain their enthusiasm and support of said individual. However, one’s denial does not change truth nor influence it in any way and eventually actuality emerges victorious. At some point, those who choose a candidate purely based on their emotional connection to them may eventually realize disillusionment as the consequences of such a decision concerning their candidate’s suspicious history, lack of trustworthiness, abhorrent actions, and so forth become a reality.

However, we can use facts to change how we feel. For example: you meet the man/woman of your dreams. Feelings between you are intense but red flags regarding their history of cheating, abuse, drunk driving, or such give you pause to rethink your choice to continue seeing them. Since one’s feelings are determined by their thoughts, what we say to ourselves about said truths ultimately determine how we feel. And feelings are the catalyst behind every choice we make. Through careful examination of the truths surrounding them, one can learn to be more objective in their assessment. When you change your internal dialogue – your thoughts – you ultimately determine how you feel. You can persuade yourself to consider your safety and the long-term impact this relationship could have on you. A change of heart directs you to end the relationship thus securing feelings of confidence and comfort that you make the right choice, which in turn thwarts off feelings of anger and any future remorse.

In certain circumstances it’s imperative to make decisions based on a rational thought process rather than one’s emotion. Choices that do not produce the end result we are seeking ultimately lead us to become frustrated, disappointed, hopeless, embarrassed or angry. To avoid making regrettable decisions, rely more heavily on actual concrete proof than pure emotion. The end result will be one that is satisfying, beneficial, and long-lasting. For the really critical decisions in life, it might be best to rely on facts because feelings can easily confuse us by clouding our rational thought process. Other times it could be the exact opposite. There is no hard-and-fast rule so use your best judgment. But never ever ignore the facts. They are your truth.

When making decisions in life, choose wisely. Once made, they can have long-term and far-reaching consequences not initially apparent. And every choice you make impacts not only yourself but the lives of those around you. Therefore, take great care in doing so.

*See T~E~C~O Magic in The Secret Side of Anger
Order The Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html

Listen to past shows on iHeart Radio @ http://ow.ly/OADTf
Listen to my newest iHeart Radio show, BETWEEN YOU AND GOD, @ http://ow.ly/OADJK
Follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, Pinterest, Google+