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Your Relationships C*A*N Last Forever

For me, one of the saddest things to see is a relationship between two people who previously professed their deep love for one another now entering its final stage of dissolution. The divorce rate in this country is tragically high. When I was young and naive I believed that all you needed for a happily-ever-after life was love. After all, that is what the Beatles told us. But with life comes experience and hopefully wisdom. Having recently celebrated my eighteenth wedding anniversary with my second husband, I’ve learned that it takes more than just love to make a marriage(or any important relationship) last a lifetime.

There are three common denominators that successful long-term couples possess. I refer to them as The C*A*N Elements. They are:

Commitment: Most couple’s make a critical mistake of basing their relationship on feelings. But feelings are fickle and can change at the drop of a hat. Yesterday I wanted to send you back to your mother; today you’re everything I live for. Many years ago I was watching the Oprah Show. Her guest was Dr. Harville Hendricks, considered to be the most successful marriage counselor in the country. He suggested basing your marriage on commitment rather than feelings. Commitment is that force that gets you through the tough times; the determination that fuels the fires of success; that voice inside your head that says, “You mean to much to me. I’m not willing to quit. I’ll try one more time, and then one more after that.” Remind yourself why you fell in love in the first place – what qualities did you find so attractive in him/her? They are still present. Focus your attention on those.
Anyone who’s ever achieved a significant goal in life has relied on their determination to succeed. As Yoda said, “There is no try. There is only do.” In other words, never quit. The rewards are great when you remain faithful to your promises.

Acceptance and Appreciation: We all know that it’s not ok to try to change our partners. However, many will make a valiant attempt only to discover that it leads to tension, conflict, and fighting. The covert message we send is “You’re not good enough the way you are. I can fix you and make you better.” There is no more hurtful message to convey to our spouses than one that diminishes their worth. (Caution: hurt is a root cause of anger so consider yourself forewarned.) Acceptance of that which we cannot change nor have the right to change allows us to be at peace (with our partners and circumstances). However, acceptance is sometimes accompanied with sadness. “My wife nags me but that’s just the way she is. I’m not happy but I can’t change her so I’ll just accept her the way she is.” But sadness does not make for a happy marriage. Appreciation, on the other hand, does. Find every opportunity to appreciate each endearing characteristic of your spouse no matter how inconsequential. And let them know – frequently – even after that fact.
The number one complaint I hear from my clients is “I put my heart and soul into my marriage/family/job and no one appreciates what I do. They take me for granted.” Too often, a partner will find someone outside of the marriage who truly values them. Let that person be you. This one simply practice completely transformed my marriage.

Negotiation: Challenges and conflicts are a normal part of every relationship. They simply represent each person’s unique perspectives, needs, beliefs, desires, etc. Conflict is beneficial for the growth of any relationship and yet for the average couple it causes arguing, fighting, hurt feelings, and a breakdown in communication. By learning good negotiation techniques, individuals can learn to navigate their way through any changing circumstance that presents itself over time. Knowing there are multiple solutions to every situation affords the couple hope for change, thus alleviating despair (the very definition of anger).
Savvy skills enable couples to resolve their differences peacefully and permanently. Customize your style of negotiation to suit your spouse. Make it easy for him/her and always keep their best interest at heart. A few good skills can avoid a lot of heartache.

The Beatles had good intentions when they wrote “All You Need is Love”. And while love is a necessary foundation for marriage it has proven insufficient in making them last forever. By adding three key elements, you, too, C*A*N have a happily-ever-after life with your partner. I’m living proof.

Order The Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html
Listen to past shows on iHeart Radio @ http://www.iheart.com/talk/show/53-Anger-911-Radio/
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How to Stop People From Hurting You

If I posed the question, “Who in your life has hurt you?”, you might respond with, “Must I limit it to only one?” We’ve all been on the receiving end of someone’s thoughtless behavior – their anger, sarcasm, back stabbing or betrayals. We’ve been hurt by those we know and love and even some that are complete strangers and it appears that we are powerless to stop them. Some tell themselves that they don’t care if their boyfriend found someone else. After all, he’s going to regret it when he finally comes to his senses and realizes you were the best thing that ever happened to him. For those who have been profoundly wounded by someone particularly close to them, their pain runs deep and their trust has been so severely damaged that they may choose to distance themselves from anyone of the human variety in order to protect themselves from ever experiencing such heartache again.

Technically people don’t have the ability to hurt us. Our suffering occurs as a result of several factors: first, we take personal offense to what they are saying or doing. Reminding ourselves that a person’s behavior is an expression of their personal issues and has nothing at all to do with us prevents us from being offended by their actions.
Second: we all have expectations of those around us. When those expectations are not fulfilled we experience disappointment and hurt. Removal of all such demands allows us to simply experience others as they are. Acceptance of that which we cannot or should not change allows us to be more at peace with others. No demands, no disappointments, no suffering.
And finally, remembering that all emotions, including hurt, result from our thought process. Our internal dialogue (that little voice inside our head) is actually responsible for our suffering or lack thereof.

Yet even with this knowledge, it is easy to encounter those who seem to get pleasure out of hurting others. So is it possible to actually prevent people from hurting us? While I cannot offer an absolute guarantee, there is one thing many people overlook that acts as a shield to protect ourselves from being a target of someone’s bad behavior. Think for a moment of a time that you had ever contemplated hurting someone. (Yes, even us really nice people – we’ve all given it thought even if we would never act upon it.) Those who come to mind are typically those who have mistreated us, hurt someone we know and care about, committed horrific acts upon the innocent, or who are just plain mean (by our standards). We would never seek to deliberately harm those who consistently treat us and others with respect and concern. Those who are kindhearted and thoughtful win our respect and we desire only the best for them. We would rather bite our tongue than say anything offensive to them or die (figuratively speaking, of course) than inflict suffering upon them. In essence, it is harder to hurt those who are kind. Doesn’t it make sense then that the reverse is true? If we were to consistently treat all whom we encounter with the highest form of dignity, then even when they are having a bad day and misbehaving, they would do their absolute best not to impose their anger on us. And we would remain unscathed.

In the fifteen years I worked with battered and violent women, I repeatedly witnessed vicious verbal and physical attacks between staff and residents upon one another – angry, nasty, hateful women taking their issues out on one another and not giving it a second thought. And yet never once was I included in their vindictive behavior. On the contrary: I repeatedly treated all parties with dignity and respect regardless of how they were behaving. Both residents and staff alike were very protective of me and at the slightest inclination that someone might possibly mistreat me, they’d jump to my defense.

No one deserves to be hurt. But let’s be honest: it’s easier to contemplate being unkind towards someone we don’t like or someone whom we perceive to be mean. It is much harder to hurt someone who is consistently thoughtful and just plain nice. Be that person and you will protect yourself from much of the hate that abounds in this world. Kindness really is the key to a less painful existence.

Order The Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html
Listen to past shows on iHeart Radio @ http://www.iheart.com/talk/show/53-Anger-911-Radio/
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January Jones welcomes Pam Evans, Author of RingEXchange

January Jones welcomes

Pam Evans

Author of RingEXchange

ATTN: Mulitple Marriers

 

author, Ring EXchange

author, Ring EXchange

January Jones is pleased to welcome back for the second time around…Pam Evans.  She’s the Author of Ring EXchange – Adventures of a Multiple Marrier which is a book about Pam’s own journey and the missteps she made that led to four marriages and four divorces before her 50th birthday.  Also, Pat Bubash, author of Successful Second Marriages, joins in the conversation.

Pam did the hard work of self-discovery and reflection about her past choices that eventually led her to some important realizations about her relationship and marriage patterns.  From there, Pam learned how to break those destructive patterns by taking control of her life and finding out who she really is.

Pam loves to have the opportunity to share her insights and wisdom about being a Multiple Marrier with others–whether they are single, considering marriage, divorced, married, or have never been married.  She refers to herself as a “hybrid individual,” since such a wide variety of experiences, people and places have influenced her positive outlook and her intriguing story.

Raised outside a small town in western North Carolina, Pam Evans spent her adolescence through young adulthood in the New York area before relocating to California. Pam now lives in the San Francisco Bay Area and has worked in the marketing and sales support sectors for major Silicon Valley high-tech companies for the past 20+ years.

Pam is also a “newlywed” in that she recently got married “AGAIN”, but after a 13-year marital hiatus.  This is going to be an interesting and fun conversation and one which I hope will inspire you to find your happiness and personal success in life.