Posts Tagged ‘anger’

Assertive Anger: Tough With a Twist

Sixteen years ago, I moved to a quiet dead-end street. Imagine my dismay when I discovered that I lived near a teenage heavy metal band! As day turned to evening, my silent haven was interrupted by the sound of innocent drums and guitars being tortured!
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I was angry. I phoned the police to see if this racket exceeded the town’s noise ordinance. Not even close. I closed my windows, but the summer heat made it unbearable to sleep. I tried earplugs but those little pieces of foam were no match for the gazillion decibels of cacophony that filtered into my bedroom each night. I was frustrated and quickly approaching desperate.

I had to “confront the offenders” and resolve this. But how? I was upset so the first thing I needed was to calm down and change my attitude. If I went there with a chip on my shoulder, that would be reflected in how I spoke to them. History reminded me that the outcome would be poor.

I decided to view the situation through their eyes: teenagers hanging out practicing music (I use the term “music” loosely). Not doing anything wrong, not breaking the law, just having fun. That’s a good thing. That helped me change how I felt about them.

Next, I gave them the benefit of the doubt: they probably don’t realize that the volume (not to mention the genre, ok, I did mention it, but not to them.) of their music was offending someone. I couldn’t fault them for that.

A shift in my perception changed my attitude completely. Instead of anger, I now felt understanding. Next, I needed to decide what I wanted to accomplish (to convince them to “dis-band”!). Was I being fair? After all, I mow the lawn on Saturday mornings. Couldn’t that sound be offensive to them? What teen gets up at the crack of dawn on weekends? Yet, no one ever complained about it. So, what could I reasonably request of them?

Once I answered that, the next thing was to decide my approach: approach, not confrontation. Approach sounds much less intimidating. Confrontation sounds like I’m ready to fight. I wasn’t… ready, or willing, to fight, that is.

I went to their house the next time they were practicing.

“Hi,” I’m your new neighbor. You guys must be serious about your band. You practice a lot.”

Yeah, he replied, they had a “gig”- hoped to make it big someday. (Ah, yes, every young boy’s dream – to be a famous rock star!) Who was I to squash that dream?

“Music’s important to me, too,” I continued. “I feel bad asking you this, but when you practice late into the evening, I get very little sleep. Could you either end a little earlier or turn the volume down a bit?”

The whole time I spoke, I kept my tone polite and respectful knowing that this is how I would like to be spoken to.

“Sure,” he. “Sorry.”

“Thanks. I really appreciate it.” (I really did. He didn’t have to honor my request. After all, legally he wasn’t at fault.)

That wasn’t so bad. The problem was resolved and I met my very nice young neighbor.

The next time you have a problem with someone in your life, try the following tips for resolving the dispute:

1. Watch your attitude and approach. They ultimately determine the outcome of the situation. Leave your ego and anger at home.
2. Polite yields polite, respect yields respect. Be the first to offer it and most likely it will be returned. Ghandi said: “I must first be the change I want to see in others.”
3. Begin by introducing yourself. Establish common grounds such as, “We’re both homeowners who live in this beautiful neighborhood.” This acts as a bonding agent.
4. Ask if they are aware that there is a situation you are having difficulty with. (Remember, the boys didn’t realize that their music was offensive to me.) Give them the benefit of the doubt.
5. Don’t accuse, threaten, judge, name-call or yell. Instead, ask questions to learn more.
6. State your request. Make sure it is fair and reasonable. Ask yourself, “would you be receptive to someone making that same request of you?”
7. Keep the ultimate goal in mind. Stay focused on what you need to accomplish and the best way to do that.
8. Be willing to compromise. Both sides need to be satisfied with the outcome or the problem (or a new one) will resurface.
9. Show your appreciation for their time and effort. “Thanks so much. I’m really glad that we were able to resolve this.” We all respond well to recognition.

Conflict resolution isn’t hard. Most of us were never taught how. But with the new tools you’ve acquired, hopefully you’ll feel a more comfortable the next time a situation arises. Remember: “We cannot be a world at peace, Until we are first a people of peace.” – Janet Pfeiffer

Order your copy of The Secret Side of Anger @ www.PfeifferPowerSeminars.com

What Makes (Mike) Rice Boil? A Look at Aggressive Behavior

Aggressive behavior – many believe it is a sign of power, self-confidence, and courage. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Last week the country witnessed the termination of Rutgers University head basketball coach, Mike Rice. Video surfaced of his mean-spirited treatment of his players during practice. From name-calling to shoving, grabbing to gay slurs, his actions received nation-wide criticisms resulting in his dismissal.

Aggressive behavior is actually rooted in fear. One does not fully trust the individuals involved and must exert authority over them in order to force them to comply with his/her demands thus producing the desired outcome. Yelling, hitting, throwing things, intimidation, manipulation, coercion, and threats are all forms of bullying and abuse (pseudonyms of aggression). By instilling fear in the other party, one can create the illusion of having control over them by gaining their cooperation. In reality, the individual chooses to comply in an attempt to quiet the abuser. Aggressors have no concern for the well-being of others and will inflict verbal, psychological or physical harm on them in order to get their way. There is never justification for inflicting harm on another person or putting them at risk.

In Rice’s case, his need to have a winning team overrode his ability to make wise decisions. After all, there was a lot at stake for him. If his players did not follow his orders, they may not win. This would reflect poorly on him as a coach (feelings of shame), possibly affect his position at Rutgers, impact his salary, and result in loss of respect from his peers. His concerns (fear) led to the need to have dominance and compliance from every player on his team and he chose aggression as a means to an end.

However, as with all bullying behavior, while the short term results may be as desired, in the long run the consequences are devastating. Loss of job and income, public humiliation, health problems, relationship issues, respect of family, friends, and peers are just some of the risks. Shoving can lead to injury, even death, to the other party which could then lead to assault or murder charges. People need to consider the long-term and far-reaching consequences of their actions before engaging in such destructive behaviors. Remember: one bad choice can change your life forever.

For more, read “What Were They Thinking?” @

http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-newsletter.html#thinking

Order your copy of The Secret Side of Anger @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html

KISS Away Anger

My guest today, Dr. Erica Kosal, has been dealing with the devastating illness of her husband, Jim, for the past five years. Understandably, she has experienced a wide range of emotions including stress and anger. But this college professor and mother of two refused to allow those feelings to get the better of her. Instead, she relied on some age-old wisdom from her mother as well as some creative new techniques she developed for herself.
As a child, Erica’s mother recommended that when bad things happen it’s important to acknowledge them but not dwell on them. Refocusing on what is positive allows one to avoid the pitfalls of bitterness, hopelessness, and self-pity – three deadly emotions sure to send one into a downward spiral of despair and anger. Erica later expanded this lesson into one of developing a global perspective – an attitude of living beyond the moment (contrary to what many people practice in terms of living for today). If today is particularly bad, one may have a difficult seeing tomorrow’s sunlight. But the practice of seeing each day or moment in relation to the entirety allows one to be reminded of the good days already lived as well as those waiting on the horizon.
Attitude and perspective also became cornerstones for keeping anger at bay. Reflecting on gratitude for what they had verses resentment over what could no longer be enabled Erica and her husband to cherish the time they shared and make the most of each moment.
Her “Chunk-It” technique may sound too simple to be effective but it works. Rather than view her current situation in its entirety (which can be overwhelming, leading to feelings of hopelessness and despair), she broke down each day into smaller more controllable chunks. In that way, she could manage each task without feeling as though she was being devoured by the enormity of her husband’s condition.
Relying on hypnosis (deep relaxation) and something called The Healing Codes (a combination of prayer and activating energy points on the body), Erica had managed to navigate her way through the greatest challenge of her life without jeopardizing her health, sanity and family.
No one is immune to unexpected challenges and hardships. When trying to find our way in our new circumstances it is easy to fall prey to stress, anger, and sometimes rage. Sometimes the simplest solutions are the most effective. Find what works for you and make it a KISS: Keep It Simple, Sweetie.
Share your suggestions here so others may benefit.
To learn more about Dr. Erica Kosal, author of “Miracles for Daddy: A Family’s Inspirational Fight Against a Modern Medical Goliath” visit her website @ http://www.bouncetoresilience.com/#!services.
To learn more about anger and simple ways to express and heal it, pick up a copy of The Secret Side of Anger @ www.PfeifferPowerSeminars.com.

Political Corruption!

If you live in the Wellington and Palm Beach areas you NEED to listen to this show! THE ADVENTURES OF PIPEMAN today at 5pm et today’s guest is ALEC DOMB President of Wellington Chamber of Combers  Find out about Political Corruption!  www.w4cy.com

The Death of Innocence

The recent tragedy in Newtown, CT, is one of unspeakable horror. The latest in what appears to be an alarming trend of mass murders in American communities is, in my mind, the most gruesome – due not only to the sheer numbers of lives lost but more significantly because of the tender ages of the smallest victims.

Since the Columbine massacre in April of 1999 when Eric Harris and Dylan Kliebold stormed their high school and murdered fifteen students and teachers and wounded twenty-four more, little has been done to secure the safety of our children. Metal detectors, security cameras, SRO’s in the hallways of our schools offer little protection against one determined to commit a heinous act. Neither will gun control, tougher sentencing of the accused or even capital punishment serve as a deterrent to those filled with evil intent. We have put a Band Aid on the problem rather than treating the underlying illness behind the carnage of our people.

I was blessed to grow up in the 50′s and 60′s – a time when a parent’s most urgent concern for their children was “Look both ways before crossing the street.” Acts of violence in rural America were a rarity, not a common occurrence. But violence is only a symptom of a much deeper rooted problem: for decades our country has been in a state of extreme moral decay.

We have become a nation of self-centered, ego-driven, rude, arrogant, self-righteous people who have lost all regard for our fellow Americans. We care more about getting what we want even at the expense of others. We are a nation where power, greed, and ego take precedent over decency, compassion, and kindness. We have turned away from our religious and spiritual roots and chosen to live life on our own terms. God has become offensive to some and His Commandments obsolete and irrelevant in a modern-day world.”Love your God; love your neighbor as yourself; do not kill.” Totally archaic.

We have turned our backs on God and continually violate His Laws. And then we’re shocked when horrific events occur. That’s akin to exceeding the speed limit and then being surprised when a police officer issues you a citation. Laws are created for a reason and God’s Laws are absolute.

We have filled our hearts with hate. We glorify anger and violence, rudeness, and the infliction of pain on others as forms of entertainment then smugly proclaim satisfaction when someone gets what they deserve. We judge and label those who are different, those who are struggling with personal demons, those who do not live up to our personal standard of excellence. We feel justified in seeking revenge on anyone who has offended us and have become oblivious to (and even more shocking) indifferent to the suffering we cause others.

In our arrogance we have sanctimoniously appointed ourselves qualified to assign importance to those we deem worthy and devalue those who do not meet our criteria. A loyal friend is held in higher esteem than one who refuses to repay a loan made to them in good faith. A father who works hard to provide for his family then succumbs to alcohol to cope with stress is lowered on the scale of humanity. An unborn child, unable to sustain herself independently as of yet, is less significant than the mother carrying her.

Our ego has deceived us into believing that we have a right to live life in whatever manner serves us best. We can do what we want, when we want, however we want. If others don’t like it oh well, too bad. That’s not our problem. Our rights, feelings, and needs override that of our brothers and sisters. We have a right to be cruel, mean or hateful to those who offend us. People must earn our respect and even then, we choose who we bestow this honor upon. Respect (“to value”) is doled out according to our personal evaluation of each individual’s merit: some have greater value, some – none at all.

We have devalued human life and therein lies the root of evil in this world. We are all God’s sacred children, scarred and struggling, but no less precious in His eyes. Who among us was given authority to redefine another’s worth?
The massacre in Columbine, the slaughter of thirty-two at Virginia Tech, the recent mass murders in a movie theater in Aurora and a mall in Oregon haven’t been enough to wake this country up. Will the bloodied bodies of twenty precious babies and the heroes who gave their lives to protect them be the pivotal moment that reminds us to have reverence for all human life?

We don’t need to fear the end of the world or the so-called “fiscal cliff”. We plunged off the “spiritual cliff” decades ago and now must climb back up. It is not our government’s responsibility to fix this problem. They are powerless to repair what is broken within each of us. We, as individuals, must make a commitment to return to a life of high moral integrity.
The keys to preventing more bloodshed in this country are a return to the moral and spiritual dictates of God, to live lives filled with compassion, kindness, acceptance, inclusion, generosity, forgiveness, and love; to be a reflection of God’s presence in this world and to treat all of His children with the same dignity and tender care that He does. Only when love for all becomes the standard measure of a life well lived will we defeat hatred, destruction, and evil.
We are here to be healers to one another. With the grace and guidance of God, we can achieve this goal. Let THIS be the new American dream. Go back to your houses of worship. Read and live the words of the Bible. Raise your children in the ways of the Lord. Be the example of kindness and love for others to follow.

Rest assured: our precious little angels are resting safely in the arms of our Heavenly Father while we are left to clean up this mess we have made. God help us. Lord knows, we need it.

God gave His only Son so that we may have life. Let not the loss of these babies be in vain. Let their lives inspire us to truly learn how to love.

By Janet Pfeiffer, copyright 12-18-12, Pfeiffer Power Seminars, LLC

Words of Wisdom:
“We cannot be a world at peace until we are first a people of peace.” – Janet Pfeiffer, The Secret Side of Anger
1 Corinthians 16:14 “Let all that you do be done in love.”
Ghandi: “I must first be the change I want to see in the world.”
Prayer of St. Francis: “Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Where there is hatred let me sow love.”
“When the power of Love becomes more important than the love of power the world will know peace.”
The comic strip character, Pogo, once said “We have met the enemy and his is us.”
Abraham Lincoln said, “The best way to defeat your enemy is to make him your friend.”