Posts Tagged ‘anger’

The BLAME Game

When something goes wrong in your life, who do you blame?

“I’m in so much debt because the economy is bad and everything is so expensive. It’s not my fault”

“My mother always criticized me when I was a child. That’s why I suffer from low self esteem and make so many bad choices.”

Sadly, many people hold others accountable for what isn’t working in their life.

Things are a mess and rather than take ownership they blame others. What they don’t realize is that blame robs them of personal power.

Just take a look at the word itself: BLAME. Can you see the two other words hidden within? Lame and Me. “How lame of me to blame.” The definition of lame is “weak”. Blame is a sign of weakness.

Responsibility is power. When one takes full accountability for their life – the situations they’re in, the way they feel, the choices they make – then no one has power over them.

Life happens…to all of us. I may not be able to control what occurs around me but I certainly decide how I am going to handle it and how I will allow it to affect me.

You can choose to spend less money, look for a higher paying job, scale back on your expenses, pay off your bills and become debt free…or not.

Your mother’s hurtful remarks about you do not constitute truth. You can remind yourself that God created you as a beautiful and valuable person. His Word is Truth. Then begin making more intelligent decisions about your life. Or, remain stuck in the past and continue to hold your mother accountable for your suffering.

Do not relinquish you life, happiness and success to another. Take ownership for everything you do, have and are. No one is responsible for your life except you. Vow to become the kind of person you can admire and create the life you desire. Be the master of your own destiny. Blame no one.

Take a look at what’s not working in your life right now. What did you do (or fail to do) that contributed to your current circumstances? What changes would you like to see happen? What can you do now to make that occur?

Blame serves no constructive purpose. It places us in the role of victim and renders us powerless. Feelings of powerlessness lead to anger, resentment, bitterness and self pity. And that, my friend, is the shortest road to misery.

Refrain from Blame. Live a powerful life of unlimited abundance.
Please share this message with all who would benefit.

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When I was younger I must have fallen asleep for twenty years like Rip Van Winkle. Then when I awoke, somewhere in adulthood, I noticed a most unusual evolving phenomenon: in a world where only two distinct races existed (black and white) there were now Hispanics, Asians, Latinos, and others. Over the next several decades, more and more groups of people were being classified as such. A recent internet search uncovered an anthropologist named Carleton S. Coon who, a mere fifty years ago, decided to divide humankind into four major races: white/Caucasian, Mongoloid/Asian, Negroid/Black, and Australoid (sounds like something from outer space). These races are further subdivided into as many as 30 subgroups. Wow! I’m speechless!

I question who granted Mr. Coon the authority to decide people needed to be segmented into distinct groups? And by what criteria – the color of their skin, shape of their eyes, country of origin? And for what possible purpose? Was some good meant to evolve from this action? I can understand segmenting animals into specific categories: mammals, fish, birds, insects. Each has distinct characteristics, needs, living conditions, behaviors, and so forth that set it apart from other species. But people? How are we so intrinsically different from one another that we need to be regulated into different classes? Are we not all comprised of bone and tissue, muscle mass and organs, hair and skin, fingers and toes? Do we not all share the same emotions, need the same things to survive such as food, water and love? Do we not all enter this world in the same way, breathe the same air, laugh, cry, hope, and dream the same things?

Classifying dogs into different breeds is harmless. Each canine knows instinctively that underneath the obvious external differences, they are alike. People? Not so much. Categorizing humans causes a breakdown in understanding, trust, and ultimately relationships. We fracture our likenesses. By emphasizing our differences we instill uncertainty and fear in one another. And fear leads to aggression. To survive as a species, we must develop and mentality of unity, of similarities and commonalities, of oneness. We are all children of God…Period.
Let’s remove all language and attitudes that separate and divide us. Let us think and speak as one and the same. I am human. You are human. The packaging may be different but inherently we all identical. When asked what race I belong to, I respond with, “The HUMAN race.” You see, it truly is the only one. Everything else is a myth.

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Keeping our disagreements from becoming full-blown fights can be challenging. Many times, we’re so passionate about our beliefs or what we want to do that any form of opposition causes us to become frustrated and angry. We may prefer that others simply agree with our position or if they don’t to remain silent. We may be willing to hear their point of view at times but are not necessarily anxious to discuss it further. Lacking the proper skills necessary to communicate effectively leaves one feeling at a disadvantage and somewhat vulnerable. We fight to get our point across, to prove our position right, to convince the other party to ultimately agree with us or at the very least to get them to back down from theirs.

The following five techniques found in the L~A~V~S~S Method can dramatically reduce the risk of escalating a disagreement into a heated argument. They are:

Listen: Begin by first being willing to listen to what the other person has to say. By doing so, it shows that their feelings or position are important to you. This eases their concerns that they will not be given ample time to express their position and puts them at ease knowing that you are a trustworthy person who cares about them and is willing to put them first. Listen with the intent to understand; not for the purpose of responding. This is a critical mistake many of us make.

Ask Questions: Ask for more information. “Why is this important to you? How long have you felt this way?” “Can you give me more details?” Questions enable the inquirer to gain further insight into the other person’s position. It also signifies that they are important to you and that the issues at hand matter as well. Answers to those questions provide valuable insights into the nature of the other person as well as the subject matter. Knowledge is power when used productively and in this regard gives you greater ability to ultimately resolve your differences.

Validate: Rather than criticize or belittle the other person for their feelings it’s critical to simply acknowledge that you recognize how important this is to them. Too often, we are prepared for the other side to try to prove that we’re wrong, or that our way of thinking is flawed. To do so only devalues the person, diminishes their feelings, and exacerbates the situation. And in doing so, they feel disrespected and will defend their position even more or discontinue the discussion. During this stage of the process, it’s important not to give advice. Simply acknowledge what the other person is saying.

Share Your Side: Once you have thoroughly listened to what they had to say, thoughtfully share your position as well. Be succinct and clear, always being respectful and sensitive in your comments. Be truthful while taking into consideration that your objective is not to prove your position more valid than theirs but rather that they may have a better understanding of what truly matters to you as well. Avoid criticizing, downplaying or comparing your position to theirs.

Seek a Solution: Once both sides have carefully shared their thoughts and feelings, the final step is to determine how they are going to proceed: is it possible to find a viable solution? Is in the best interest of both parties to let the issue go (if it’s not one of great importance)? Can they continue in the relationship or do they need to respectfully go their separate ways? Whatever the decision is, keep in mind that it is considered to be the best decision at the time and may possibly be revisited at some point in the future.

Regardless of the topic, nature of your relationship with the opposing party, or your personal feelings, any disagreement can be rationally discussed and resolved to a reasonable degree. Keep in mind that there will not always be a unanimous meeting of the minds but there can always be a respectful discussion. Remember, too, that their feelings and position are as valid to them as yours are to you. Your role is not to persuade or change the other person but to listen with the intent to understand. In doing go, your responses will be more thoughtful and kind and that will garner their respect. And with respect, there is little chance for a nasty fight to ensue. L~A~V~S~S: Listen, Ask Questions, Validate, Share Your Side, and Seek a Solution. That’s pretty simple, isn’t it? (Say yes. Thank you!)

Order The Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @

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Listen to my newest iHeart Radio show, BETWEEN YOU AND GOD, @
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