Posts Tagged ‘anger’

Six Surefire Ways to Offend Someone

A recent email announcement sent to my entire database promoting my latest book, The Great Truth: Shattering Life’s Most Insidious Lies That Sabotage Your Happiness Along With the Revelation of Life’s Sole Purpose, prompted two angry responses. In both cases, the recipients took offense to my alleged claim that I have somehow miraculously uncovered a mysterious truth others are not privy to. The back cover of my book jacket makes the following statements: The purpose of life is not what we have been led to believe – to be happy, successful, pursue our passion, etc. While each of these has value, they are not the reason we are here. I promise that once you understand Life’s Great Truth and the Universal Sole Purpose of Life you will possess a guaranteed map for effortless living and will see your lives transformed in ways unimaginable. Everything else will follow.

One person called me “too self-assured”, questioning how I could be so confident in knowing such a Truth. The other commenced to describe her life of extreme hardship and the injustices she had endured, comparing her tragic life to my (supposed) life fraught with nothing more than “stupid relationship issues”. She concluded her two paragraph rant with “I would love to hear how you can make me the star you appear to be because I certainly don’t have your POWER!!!!!!” Admittedly she confessed to being very cynical about “these kinds of self-help books wanting to get someone to love them!”

I know pain, insecurity, unhappiness, fear, jealousy, resentment, and bitterness when I see it. And I know enough not to take personal offense to the anger and sarcasm others spew at me. But not everyone is able to do this and some may easily be insulted by the rude and ignorant comments of others. In both cases it was crystal clear to me that each person was dealing with some serious unresolved personal issues and my claims triggered what they have not yet come to terms with. (Behavior is simply an outward expression of our internal issues.) I also understand that neither individual knows anything at all about me: they are unfamiliar with my lectures, haven’t read any of my books or articles, and do not know my life’s story which contains significant amounts of pain and suffering. To make unsubstantiated and outrageous claims against a person one is unfamiliar with is sadly a reflection of that person’s insecurities and lack of knowledge.

There are six surefire ways of offending someone and alternative ways of expressing how we feel.
1. Make unsubstantiated, absurd or inaccurate accusations and assumptions. Or – research and gather facts.
2. Call the other party insulting names. Or – treat them with dignity and respect.
3. Be judgmental, label them disparagingly. Or – give them the benefit of the doubt, be sensitive to their situation, feelings, beliefs, etc.
4. Be indifferent to their pain and suffering. Or – be sensitive and compassionate.
5. Criticize their success, self-esteem, and self-confidence. Or – appreciate and recognize their accomplishments.
6. Be sarcastic, have a bad attitude. Or – be reasonable and fair.
Life is filled with choices. Making the kind ones requires the same amount of energy but yields far better results.
Pick up a copy of The Secret Side of Anger at www.PfeifferPowerSeminars.com

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

PTSD is a very serious condition that can develop after a person has experienced or witnessed a traumatic or terrifying event in which serious physical harm occurred or was threatened. It can cause feelings of intense fear, helplessness, or horror resulting from a sexual or physical assault, the unexpected death of a loved one, an accident, war, or natural disaster such as Hurricane Sandy. It is not uncommon for symptoms of PTSD to occur weeks, months or even years after the event.

Symptoms of PTSD include

Reliving the ordeal through thoughts and memories of the trauma. These may include flashbacks, hallucinations, and nightmares. Reminders of the trauma can cause extreme distress.
Avoiding people, places, thoughts, or situations that remind them of the trauma. This, however, can lead to feelings of isolation, loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities. Avoidance does not allow for a healing of the trauma.
Heightened arousal can included excessive emotions, problems relating to others, sleep disturbances; irritability; outbursts of anger; difficulty concentrating; and being easily frightened. Physical symptoms, such as increased blood pressure and heart rate, rapid breathing, muscle tension, nausea and diarrhea can also occur.

In recent years, treatment for PTSD has shown great hope, allowing individuals to heal from, not just manage, the trauma. Treatment includes:

Exposure Based Treatment which encourages the person to discuss the experience and all related feelings. Staying with the emotions and learning how to process them causes the fear to dissipate or change into a more manageable feeling.
Cognitive Processing Therapy re examines any negative beliefs related to the trauma and replaces them with more realistic ones. An example might be: after a natural disaster, feeling as though one is incapable of rebuilding their life and being happy to “I have the ability and resources to recreate my life, although it may be significantly different than before, to one that is rewarding and enjoyable.”
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy helps the individual to identify the feelings associated with the trauma and rather than avoiding them, discover new ways of coping that allow them to regain their lives. By focusing on core values, they can select behaviors that are more empowering and beneficial.

This is only a brief synopsis of my interview with Dr. Holly Parker, licensed psychologist from Harvard University. If you or someone you know would benefit from working with a PTSD specialist, please reach out to Dr. Holly or someone in your area. There is hope. No one needs to suffer from a traumatic experience. Avoidance and denial don’t heal. Facing it with a trained professional will. Feel it so you can heal it.

Contact Dr. Holly Parker at DrHolly@hollyaparker.com or follow her on Facebook at Dr. Holly Parker.

Her Way or the Highway

For more than a month I posted her picture on my social media sites. “Please open your heart and adopt ‘Odette’. She is a precious yorkie/poodle mix rescued from a puppy mill.” Her photo didn’t do her justice. She sat huddled in the back of her cage at RBARI shelter in Oakland, her tortured life reflected in her body language. I posted and reposted but to no avail. I inquire if there had been any interest in her. “No”, the shelter explained. “Dogs like her are hard to adopt out. They have been severely abused and are terrified of humans. Without the ability to assess her personality, few will to take a chance on her.”

My heart ached. I’ve adopted abused dogs and with patience and tlc they consistently make great progress and become loving members of our family. But this one was an extreme case. With four adoptees already, could I possibly handle another, and one with such severe issues?

From behind her trimmed “bangs”, I saw the extent of the fear and distrust in her large brown eyes. I renamed her Rocky and signed the adoption papers. When the assistant placed her in my arms, her body stiffened as she tried to pull away. “It’s ok, Rocky,” I said in a whisper. “You’re safe now.” But she wasn’t convinced. At home, she found safety and comfort in the company of my other dogs and I quickly learned that I could not separate her from them under any conditions. Whenever I approached her, I had to have one with me. Even so, she distanced herself as far from me as possible, shaking as I spoke.

“On her terms,” I reminded myself. “The only way she’ll trust you is if you respect where’s she’s at and relate to her in ways she’s comfortable with.” The techniques that proved successful with my other dogs failed miserably with her. She made no attempt to get to know me but I persisted. I learned the best time to approach her was when she was with one of my other dogs. By focusing on them rather than her she felt less threatened and gradually began to come near me to share in the affection I was showing them. Progress was slow.

We can all learn a valuable lesson from working with abused animals. Developing a relationship with them means putting their needs before our own, reaching out and relating in a way that is comfortable for them. This conveys the message that we are sensitive to their fears and care about their well being. Ever-so-slowly, that builds trust.

In our human encounters we often take the opposite approach, disregarding the fear and pain the individual is struggling with. “This is who I am and how I do things. Get over it!” My way or the highway doesn’t work with animals nor does it work with humans. Only when we relinquish ego (my way) and respond in spirit (God’s way) can we achieve trust and a relationship.

Our little Rocky is making progress. She follows me around the house and is relaxed when I hold her but she still has a long way to go. That’s ok. Her way is clearly working and I’ll continue to follow her lead. Now, if I could only convince her it’s more fun to pee outside…..

Read “Lessons From a Red Fur Coat” @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-newsletter.html#red.