Posts Tagged ‘anger’

Oh, Deer!

I was ecstatic when we moved into our home fifteen years ago. Leaving behind a congested suburb for a more rural area abundant with wildlife was a dream-come-true for me. I’ve always felt a special connection with nature and to be living among her finest was heaven! Herds of deer, magnificent black bears, red foxes – all were regular visitors to my backyard. And for an amateur photographer, what could be more convenient than to have my subjects come to me?

A few short months after settling in, I was out for my daily power walk early one warm Saturday morning. About two miles from my house is a gorgeous golf course with a large field of tall grass at the southern end. From the road, I noticed something moving. Upon closer investigation, I saw two huge brown eyes and giant ears peering up from the grass. It was a brand new baby deer! I glanced around for the mother – she was no where in sight. I felt a rush of anxiety as I feared for the fawn’s life. I ran home and, together with my husband, grabbed some blankets, jumped into the car and raced back to the field. I scooped the little guy up in my arms and brought him home. My neighbor, Joe, had a petting zoo so I called him for guidance. “You should have left him alone. His mother was nearby keeping a watchful eye over him. That’s what deer do. Hurry and put him back.”

I felt sick to my stomach. Did I just sentence this little guy to death? Was his mama gone by now? What have I done, I asked myself? I carefully placed him in the exact spot where I found him and glanced around for his mama but she was nowhere to be found. By now, he was strong enough to stand and immediately ran off into the wooded area.

We all have good intentions but how often do we try to force something to happen that perhaps is just not meant to be? Many years ago, I put myself in the middle of a family members’ dispute. A rift between several loved ones caused me great distress as I watched them argue over a trivial misunderstanding. A well-intentioned intervention on my part only made matters worse. I felt horrible! I only wanted to help. I sheepishly admitted to my misguided efforts in an attempt to right and even bigger wrong but it was too late. An apology was unable to undo the damage I had just caused. I had to let it go. In time, the affected parties worked things out in their own way. They were fully capable and certainly didn’t need any help from me.

Misguided intentions usually arise from fear and/or ego. I don’t trust that the situation at hand will work itself out or that those involved are qualified to resolve the issue on their own. Ego tells me I am the more competent party needed to solve this problem. My own anxiety over the current circumstances outweighs the needs of those involved to perhaps allow things to remain status quo. I need to have faith that what is meant to happen will but only when all necessary conditions are in place.

Sometimes intervention is necessary and sometimes not. It is not always up to me to say how things should be. Allow things to unfold naturally. What is meant to occur will – in its own time and way.

Read: The Force Be With You…Or Not @

How to Prevent People From Pushing Your Buttons and Making You Angry

How many times have you blamed someone else for how you feel? “You really make me angry!” “You hurt my feelings!” “You totally embarrassed me!” Most people don’t realize that by allowing others to determine how we feel, we actually give away our personal power. We allow others to decide for us how we will feel at any given moment. When I live without power I am, in essence, a victim – I am incapable of making choices for myself and have assigned that responsibility to another. They have the power to determine my level of happiness, joy, love, esteem, misery, rage and so forth. For me, that is not ok. I am a fully functioning adult and am capable of choosing for myself just how happy or miserable I’ll be.

But how does one choose their feelings, including anger? One must first understand where feeling originate: all feelings are the direct result of what we think. Feelings come from thoughts. Throughout the day, we have hundreds or possibly thousands of experiences. For each event, we form a corresponding thought. I look outside my window and think, “My yard really needs a lot of work.” The phone rings and I say to myself, “I hope that’s my son calling from college!” My internal dialogue, the voice in my head, my thoughts, generate a corresponding feeling. I can feel depressed over the condition of my yard or angry that my husband hasn’t taken care of it. I may be ecstatic over the thought of hearing my child’s voice or dread it knowing he only calls asking for money. Either way, I decide how I want to feel. “Oh, well. The yard isn’t really that important. He’s a good husband in so many other ways.” “At least my son calls! Some parents never hear from their children.” A simple change of thought (perception) changes the emotion we experience.
Knowing this allows me to be master of my life – I alone dictate what I think, how I’ll feel, what I say or do, and the direction my life will take.

Here’s a simple equation to remember this – I call it TECO Magic: Thoughts > Emotions > Choices > Outcome.
Thoughts (which we choose) generate Emotions. Next, we act out what we feel. All behaviors and Choices are an expression of what we are feeling internally. Every decision (Choice) we make produces an Outcome, good or not good. Positive thoughts generate positive emotions which cause us to make smart choices and we create a beneficial outcome. Negative begets negative.

Choose your thoughts wisely. They determine the outcome of your life. Remember: “Where your mind goes your life follows.”
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Ford Escape, F150 or Bulldozer?

Conflict resolution is not a pleasant experience for most people, in part because we are ill-equip with the proper skills to achieve a relatively satisfying outcome. For many arguing, fighting, and anger are synonymous with conflict. Yet in reality, conflict is nothing more than two forces in opposition with each other – a difference of opinion, opposing ideas, dissimilar feelings. Disagreements can actually lend themselves to a spirited discussion, a chance to learn something new, and a deeper understanding of the other party. However, resolution – the ability to find a mutually agreeable solution – is an art.

Generally people fall into one of several styles of “resolvers”:
The Escapes tend to flee the scene. Uncomfortable with any sort of confrontation, they seek to avoid at all costs. Their behavior is rooted in fear and insecurity. They lack confidence in their ability to handle a potentially tricky situation so the most viable option is a speedy exit.
The Bulldozers are aggressive and hostile. Like their namesake, they plow through everything in their path causing devastation and damage. Ruthless, hurtful, selfish, and self-centered, their only concern is their own well-being. Again rooted in fear, they feel their opponent does not have their best interest at heart so they must fight and intimidate to ensure their own personal interests.
The F150’s are strong and confident. “Built tough”, they exude kindness, strength, determination and respect for all concerned. Their behavior is deeply rooted in fairness and justice for each party. They refrain from blame, are quick to identify the issue and immediately seek a speedy and balanced resolution. Respect dictates their every choice.

Before beginning the process of conflict resolution, keep the following in mind:

1. Remember to attack the problem not the person.
2. Find a commonality to bond and unite both parties. This helps to reassures each person that the other understands them and has their best interest at heart.
3. Approach as allies not adversaries. Show your concern for the other upfront.
4. Choose a neutral location to discuss the issue. If not, one party will have the upper hand which may put the other on the defensive.
5. Know when to stop and take a break. Unless it’s an issue of life or death, nothing must be resolved at that precise moment.

Remember, you can choose to be a part of the problem or the solution. Put your time, energy, and expertise into finding a mutually beneficial solution. Both sides will appreciate your efforts.

For more, read “Built Tough?” @