Posts Tagged ‘#angerhealing’

FIVE EASY STEPS TO INNER PEACE

One of my favorite authors, the late Dr. Wayne Dyer, once stated that “There is no way to peace. Peace is the way.” This seemed rather contradictory to the common belief that a peaceful state of existence is a destination we arrive at after traversing a righteous path. Wayne challenges us to view peace as a state of mind, a choice, a way of life. One who is serene makes different conscious choices in the way they live. Here are five steps you can take to create a more peaceful life:

1. Refrain from judging others. Judgment of those who are different from us in any way or from what we consider acceptable is arrogant and self-righteous. In comparing individuals to ourselves or others we deem them less valuable, less worthy or inherently wrong and in doing so create unrest within ourselves. Once we commit this infraction, we must then work through the process of forgiveness in order to reinstate serenity. Remember that we were all created equal by our Heavenly Father. It is our personal issues that are unique to each of us but we are not our issues. We are physical expressions of God’s love in this world. Recognizing such eliminates the need for judgment.

2. Be grateful. In all that you do, find things to be grateful for. Gratitude wards off bitterness and resentment and allows for joy to flourish. Recognizing all of the beauty God created that is available to us on a daily basis keeps us focused on the positive, on the blessings in life. It also enables us to find goodness in every situation, including hardships, loss, betrayals, and such. I am at peace with all that is and do not feel the need to change anything for nothing is lacking. Everything is exactly as it is meant to be in this moment.

I begin each morning in prayer: “Heavenly Father, thank you for everything you have given me, for everything you have taken away from me, for everything you have left me, and for everything that is yet to come. Amen.”

3. Re Evaluate. Put everything into its proper perspective. Very little that occurs in life with worthy of upset. Most incidences are relatively insignificant and only have the degree of importance that we assign them. Asking yourself, “Will this even matter in ten years?” enables us to release much of what distresses us. In that way, we eliminate worry, fear, anxiety, anger and other stressful emotions. Trust in God. He’s overseeing everything. What may appear initially to be damaging may in truth reveal itself at a later date to be a great blessing. Look beyond the obvious to the value within.

4. Always be kind. In any given situation, we have the option to be kind or cruel. Choosing kindness allows for a more positive outcome to the situation. It prevents hurt feelings, is inclusive rather than divisive, shows respect, values the other party, uplifts and inspires, encourages and heals, and invites others to respond similarly. And, it’s good for the soul (yours and theirs). Knowing you were polite and courteous enables you to feel good about yourself and at peace with your actions. Even in circumstances where others are being unfair or rude, you can maintain your dignity by enforcing reasonable boundaries and extending respect regardless.

5. Live for God. Most people do what feels good or what they believe is right for them. Since our knowledge is limited, a more reliable source for righteousness is our Heavenly Father. Doing what makes me feel good in the moment can have serious consequences for me and those around me later on. However, when I follow God’s directive and live my life in such a way as to always seek to do what is right by Him, then I never make decisions that I will later regret nor that may cause suffering to others for all of my actions are motivated by love. In this way, I am at peace knowing my life is a reflection of God’s Word. No God – No Peace; Know God – Know Peace.

As Wayne Dyer stated, peace is the way. But the key to living a peaceful life is awareness. Just as one much pay careful attention as they traverse down any path in life so as not to become distracted and lose their way, one must always keep their eyes on peaceful choices, making peace their way of life. It’s not so hard, really. And it is well worth the effort.

“Peace isn’t the absence of fighting; peace is the presence of kindness.” The Secret Side of Anger by Janet Pfeiffer

Order The Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html

Listen to past shows on iHeart Radio @ http://ow.ly/OADTf
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THE WHY’S WAY TO NEUTRALIZE ANGER

If I told you that there was one simple word that could prevent anger from arising would you be interested in discovering what that word is? Or in the event that anger showed up without warning, this same word could easily subdue it and restore your sense of calm? Would you utilize this information to create a happier life for yourself? Of course you would! Well, there is one simple magic word that can do just that, and the word is “WHY”.
People often get angry without a deep understanding of the cause. Some have short fuses and every small incident seems to irritate them. In areas where the average person might not give the event a second thought, others fly off the handle. When asked why they are angry, oftentimes they have no rational explanation. “I don’t know – some things just bother me a lot.” In the case of observing another person become upset over something we deem to be a non issue, we may make such statements as, “You’re acting like a fool!” or “You have no reason to be angry.”

Ours is an angry planet and sadly, not only do people refuse to take responsibility for their ire, but in many instances fail to have to clear understanding of why the anger emerged initially. Taking a moment to inquire “Why” from different perspectives can truly be enlightening by providing much insight into one’s feelings and underlying issues behind the rage. Consider the following scenarios where “why” can neutralize or prevent anger from manifesting.

Dealing with one’s own anger:
Imagine you’re in a situation that triggers your anger. You ordered a gift for your husband’s birthday making sure there was ample time for it to arrive by his special day. However, the package was a week late and when you opened it you realized they had send the wrong item. You are livid and immediately call customer service, proceeding to rant on the woman hired to assist you. Even one who’s trained and paid to deal with irate customers is not deserving of your wrath. She assures you that the correct item will be mailed promptly and offers to send you a return shipping label to make the return process easier for you. For your inconvenience, she is authorized to give you a 10% gift certificate off of your next purchase. Your anger begins to subside as you offer her an apology for your rudeness. Damage done and corrected. However, wouldn’t it have been wiser to not become so agitated from the get go?

By utilizing the “why” question, one can avoid an angry outburst such as described. Upon the first inkling of annoyance, stop and ask yourself, “Why am I so upset? Why am I allowing this relatively insignificant incident to cause me so much grief?” The answers might be something like, “This company/worker is inept. This is no way to run a business. I am frustrated and feel that as a paying customer they don’t value my business. That’s rude and disrespectful of me and that makes me mad!”

The why challenges me to look within myself for the answers rather than blame others and hold them accountable for how I feel. Are my feelings valid? Are my perceptions of the company/workers fair and reasonable? Are my expectations (of perfection on their part) unrealistic? Am I being too harsh and judgmental? What does my anger afford me? Do I think I need it in order to rectify the situation? Can I achieve the same results or better by taking a different approach, perhaps one of logic and reason?

Authentic power comes from one’s ability and willingness to look at themselves, to question their feelings, actions, motives, objectives, etc. The why begins the process of self-awareness and self-awareness is the beginning of personal growth. This process may reveal that I am being unfair in my expectations and assessments of those involved, that I am demanding too much. Or perhaps I’m too sensitive and take things personally when in reality I was not being targeted by anyone. My willingness to make the necessary adjustments will diffuse my current anger and prevent it from manifesting in similar future situations.

Dealing with an angry person (as an observer):
If you are dealing with someone who is outraged over an incident that does not involve you, asking the why question can help them come to a deeper understanding of precisely why they are reacting to said event with anger. Similar in nature to the questions one asks themselves, begin by asking why are they upset? Why do they allow this incident to become problematic for them? Does it change the situation? Will it make things better for them? What’s fascinating about questioning others rather than telling them what to do (“Don’t be angry!”) is that it challenges them to discover their truth on their own. Most people do not respond well to others who impose demands or suggestions on them. However, when one comes to this realization of their own volition, the impact is far greater and more meaningful. Again, challenging them to think about their feelings and the why behind them enables them to better understand themselves, examine if their response is warranted and advantageous for them and those around them, and to possibly make wiser choices in the moment or in the future.

Here’s an example: Recently my friend took her dog to the vet for an unusual skin infection. The vet diagnosed it and ordered a treatment plan. Since it was highly contagious, my friend needed treatment as well. Wanting to ensure that the procedure was meticulously carried out, she inquired as to how long the healing process would take, when she and her dog would no longer be contagious, and if there was a chance of a reoccurrence. The doctor was unable to give precise answers cue to the nature of the condition but did so in more generalized terms. She became furious and demanded more specifics which he could not supply. I inquired of her, “Why is this an issue for you? Why did you speak to him that? Why did you react that way? Why do you feel the way you do?”

She confided that she was scared that the condition would not be resolved within a reasonable period of time and that she or her pet could possible infect others if still contagious. She also worried that if the infection returned, it would cause more damage to their health and add to her already high expenses.

Having a deeper understanding of her why’s, her fears and sense of powerlessness, we were able to look more closely at them and find somewhat reasonable solutions for each. We contact another vet, did research online, and contacted the drug manufactures. In doing so, she felt more in control of her health and her pet’s and subsequently her anger subsided. She began to trust that as time progressed answers would become more apparent and that not everything could be revealed at the precise time she desired. She overcame her fear by building trust (in herself and her vet) and patience in the process. She’ll be able to reference this process in future circumstances.

Dealing with an angry person (if you are a target):
There are times when each of us has been the target of someone else’s anger. At times, we are aware that we may have said or done something inappropriate that preceded their reaction. I may have been late meeting my sister at the restaurant for dinner or perhaps I shared one of her secrets with a coworker when she had specifically instructed me to keep the information confidential. There are also incidences where we are clueless as to why their anger is being directed at us. In any event, the why question can bring greater clarity to the situation.

“Why are you angry with me? Is there something I said or did that offended you?” “Why did you react that way when I told you I couldn’t help you move on Saturday?” “Why is my attitude a problem for you?” “Why does the way I live my life bother you?” Be forewarned, that if you ask a question you must be willing to listen to the answer, even if you don’t understand or agree with it.

Without the why it is easy to become defensive when someone is angry with us or when we see them acting out in a hostile manner. Why provides an understanding of what caused the anger to surface and understanding opens the door to compassion. When I realize that the other party is worried about the safety of their child and are emotionally drained, then it comes as no surprise that they have little tolerance for any distractions. When one imposes their anger on me and through the why I come to realize that this is all they know from growing up in a home with parents who used yelling and threats as a means of communication and discipline, then I understand that they are only utilizing what they have learned. Practicing patience with them while they discover a more appropriate way of expressing themselves makes our relationship tolerable.

If you are a child being told by your parents that you cannot do something you’d like to do, asking why can better help you to understand the motives behind their response. Perhaps the situation is too dangerous or there isn’t enough time or money to do so. Disappointment may remain but anger will be less likely to surface. If your child behaves in a way that you find appalling, a simple, “Why did you do that?” rather than responding with an angry “You’re grounded!” can provide insights into your child’s thought process, helping to provide clarity behind their actions. This can be a catalyst for a meaningful discussion.

Likewise, when our political or church leaders make decisions that impact us that we are not in agreement with, oftentimes we react with outrage. However, inquiring why can better help us understand the reasoning behind their actions. We may still not agree with their decisions but may better understand their rationale for doing so. And in some cases, their response can provide an open debate to ultimately find better solutions.
In any event, why is a powerful and wise response to anger in general. As I previously stated, why provides understanding and understanding leads to compassion – a perfect means to neutralize anger.

Order The Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html

Listen to past shows on iHeart Radio @ http://ow.ly/OADTf
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EXPOSING COMMON MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT ANGER

I’ve been presenting seminars on understanding and healing anger for 25 years and it never ceases to amaze me how much misinformation is circulating about one of life’s most powerful emotions. Lack of accurate facts and techniques can have serious repercussions in every aspect of life from relationships to health to joy and happiness. Consider the following myths and truths:

Myth #1. It’s wrong to get angry. Anger is a bad emotion.

Truth: In truth, all emotions are neutral and only have the value we assign them. Each one serves a necessary purpose as they act as messengers that provide great insight into the self: what matters to us vs what’s unimportant; where our values lie and what things violate them; what our expectations and judgments are concerning others, ourselves, and the world in general; what our personal issues are (in need of healing) which are currently causing us distress and trigger anger, jealousy, fear, etc.

Humans are hardwired to feel a wide variety of emotions which is a valuable asset. Once we are able to decipher the message and purpose of the feeling, we can use it to better understand ourselves, work on our personal issues and find peace with them, motivate us to make positive changes within ourselves and in our relationships or our environment.

Anger itself is neither wrong nor bad. Again, it’s a powerful messenger that alerts us to the fact that something in our life needs our attention to correct. It is the way in which we process it, express it, and use it that determines if it’s going to be a positive or negative force in our lives and in the lives of those affected. Anger can cause serious damage or allow for personal growth.

Myth #2. When you feel angry, it’s best to let it out and get it off your chest.

Truth: This is a double-edged sword. While suppressing or denying anger can prove detrimental to the one experiencing it (and ultimately to the relationship since those involved are not being honest with one another), doing so at the height of the emotion can be extremely risky. First let me state that it is not always necessary to express how you feel in that precise moment. Many issues can be resolved internally without ever verbalizing one’s displeasure. When I am angry, I need to first ask myself “Why do I allow this to bother me?” Very often, once I am able to answer that question I realize that it is my own perception, judgment or personal issues that need to be addressed. In truth, there may be nothing wrong or offensive about the other person’s behavior at all.

Sometimes, expressing your displeasure can hurt the other person’s feelings, cause the situation to escalate, give the appearance that you are unreasonable or hostile (if your anger is out of control), lead to embarrassment or regret, damage relationships, and more. People respond to various situations in one of two ways: either from an intellectual perspective or an emotional one. When operating from an intellectual mind, one collects all relevant data, processes it, and comes to a rational conclusion. When expressing themselves they are typically more calm and focused, offering logical, well thought out comments. Conversely, when one is highly emotional, they rarely act or speak logically. Emotions are powerful tools that cloud rational judgment and offer irrational statements, assumption, conclusions, and demands. It is best to practice the SWaT Strategy (from The Secret Side of Anger) giving yourself the necessary time to calm down, rethink the issue, and respond intelligently and fairly.

So the answer is both yes and no. There are times when it is perfectly acceptable and advantageous to let the other party know that you are upset with them or with what has transpired. Sharing feelings invites open dialogue that can clear the air, gain deeper insights, and strengthen relationships. In other circumstances, it is best to remain silent, giving oneself adequate time to process the event, draw a reasonable conclusion, find peace with it and let it go without revealing one’s initial displeasure.

Myth #3. You can’t help the way you feel.

Truth: Believing that one has no control over how they feel is one of the most dangerous and self-destructive beliefs one can have. In essence, they relinquish their authentic power over to others; they are at the mercy of how others treat them and their reaction to such. “You make me mad. You hurt my feelings. You embarrassed me.” They believe themselves to be powerless (the very definition of anger) thus putting themselves in the role of being a victim: helpless and without power. That is a terrifying place to be as others now have control over your feelings and life.

Anger, as are all emotions, is a choice. All emotions originate in the mind with a thought. I choose my thoughts and therefore choose the corresponding emotion. Thoughts are the single most powerful tool we have. Every decision ever made began with a thought. No one and nothing can control one’s mind. Someone may suggest that I think a certain way, let’s say that I should dislike a family member whom they despise. They may offer all sorts of reasons as to why I should hate them but ultimately I chose what I believe or disbelieve about the individual and those thoughts will ultimately dictate how I feel about them.

When my best friend fails to return my call after a week’s time, I can tell myself she’s being rude or consider that she might have simply forgotten. I decide if I want to be upset about a situation or just let it be. One evokes anger, the other compassion. Either way – my choice.

Myth #4. Other people/things make you angry.

Truth: People or events (outside stimuli) are triggers, not causes. Whenever we experience an event (something occurs, someone says/does something that does not meet our criteria for what we believe should happen) we become agitated. Pay careful attention to the expectations and demands you place on yourself and those around you. Unrealistic or unfair expectations are a leading cause of anger. We demand far too much from ourselves, (“I should be doing more/should be able to handle this”), from others (“He’s an adult. He needs to be more responsible.”), or from the world “(“If I work hard, I’ll be successful.”) Life and others will not always conform to our demands. When we experience disappointment, disillusionment, become frustrated or hurt we will create feelings of anger as we feel let down by others or the world.

Keep in mind that people are under no obligation to conform to our demands nor am we here to conform to theirs. Each of us has a God-given right to live life as best we can, keeping in mind that no one has a right to cause harm to another in any way. Remember too that life owes us nothing, therefore we have no right to expect anything other than what we create on our own.

Therefore it is imperative the consider that a simple readjustment of one’s expectations to something more reasonable and realistic for the situation alleviates any potential anger from manifesting. Pay careful attention to the thoughts you entertain concerning the event or individual you are engaging with. Those outside stimuli are only triggers; your anger arises from your thought process.

Myth #5. Anger is hereditary. If you have a bad temper you can’t help it – it’s in your genes.

Truth: Anger is a learned behavior. Claiming that it is inherited is an avoidance tactic – a way to circumvent taking responsibility for one’s attitude and subsequent behaviors and consequences. Children may grow up in a toxic and violent family and see anger as a normal way of life. But what is learned can be unlearned as well.

Under the right conditions, anyone can control their anger if necessary. If the consequences are potentially high enough (perhaps one risks getting fired for an explosive outburst at work) that person could contain their feelings until they were in a safer environment where the dangers of expressing it are far less. A bad temper is typically the result of one being overly sensitive and taking personal offense to minor infractions. Or it can arise from feelings of fear: the need to control in order to keep oneself safe and happy. All anger can be healed with the proper knowledge, tools, and commitment.

Myth #6. People with anger issues yell, scream, throw things, hit, punch, etc. Those who don’t react with aggression don’t have a problem with anger.
Truth: Not so. One is simply more apparent than the other. Many people are afraid to openly express how they feel and will keep their anger bottled up inside. This can lead to depression, health issues, relationship problems, addictions, somatizing (inflicting harm upon oneself such as self-mutilation or self-sabotage), self-loathing, and more. Others resort to sarcasm, the silent treatment or other covert behaviors. And still others are in denial of their anger believing that it is wrong and/or that they will be judged because of it. Either way, suppressing anger can have potentially deadly consequences.

It is critical to identify suppressed or denied anger within oneself. Those who are fearful of speaking up put themselves at risk for being used, abused, overlooked, taken advantage of and more. Their relationships lack truth and candor and will undoubtedly suffer the consequences. Sadly, undefined anger interferes with one’s ability to experience authentic happiness and joy in life. On every level, it can have devastating consequences.
Anger is a normal, healthy, useful, and necessary emotion. Acknowledge it when it arises, get to the root* of what is bothering you, heal those issues, and let the anger go. Anger appropriately utilized can yield positive benefits for you and those around you. Choose your emotions wisely for they direct the entire course of your life.

Q: Proverbs 15: “A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, But the slow to anger calms a dispute.”

*Learn more about the 3 root causes in The Secret Side of Anger
To order a copy of The Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth visit http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html
Listen to past shows on iHeart Radio @ http://www.iheart.com/talk/show/53-Anger-911-Radio/
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