Posts Tagged ‘healing’

Betrayal, Injustice, and Loss: Getting Beyond the Anger

One of the predominant complaints I hear from my clients is “This isn’t fair!” Referring to an incident where they or someone else has suffered a perceived injustice, they feel angered that things were not equitable. There is a universal misconception that if you play by the rules you will be treated justly. If you show up at work on time each day and put in a productive eight hours, you’ll receive your yearly raise and Christmas bonus. If you are a loyal and faithful spouse your partner will appreciate you and yours will be a fairytale marriage. When the raise is not forthcoming or your spouse decides to leave you for someone else or when your best friend reveals a secret they vowed to take with them to their grave, the natural reaction is feelings of betrayal and rage.

Moving beyond our personal experiences, we also feel a sense of outrage when a crime is committed and the felon receives the minimum sentence or worse, none at all. We grieve the loss of a mother whose children were killed in a car accident caused by an intoxicated driver. Each of us could site dozens of incidences where we have experienced betrayal, injustice or loss on a personal or broader level. It is easy to become disheartened and angered at the unfairness life presents us with on a daily basis. Yet each has logical reason for occurring and there are methods to move beyond the anger and hurt.

The key in not being held hostage to each of these experiences is to understand their purpose and value in our lives. Readjusting our expectations of others and of life in general helps alleviate the shock and frustration when betrayal, unfairness, and/or loss enters our lives. Keep in mind the following:

1. Understand that others are not here to live up to our expectations of who/what we want them to be. Some are not trustworthy due to deep rooted personal issues. Others may feel justified in breaking a promise even though we may not share their point of view. Their position is a valid to them as ours is to us. This may not be an issue of right or wrong and we must be careful not to make it one.

2. We need to abandoned the notion that life is fair. There is no real justice in this life simply because humans are imperfect, have different opinions, and make mistakes. Additionally, we each have our own ideas of what fairness is. I may think it’s perfectly reasonable that if I do a favor for you, you will reciprocate. However, you may not be in a position to do so or you may not have asked for my help initially and therefore feel you don’t owe me anything. Even in the case where we feel justice has been served, it is really retribution for a committed offense that we are seeking. Retribution does not undo the wrong-doing. It simply brings some satisfaction that the other party had to “pay the price”.

3. Loss is an inevitable part of life. Nothing was meant to last forever, in part, because God does not want us to become attached to anything or anyone. Loss is laden with fear as we relinquish control in a situation. The fear of the unknown – not knowing what will come next or how it will impact me and if I will be ok in my new circumstances. But loss is necessary for growth. We must be willing to let go, to give up, to be free of what is no longer a necessary part of our lives. Even in our relationships – none was meant to last forever. By letting go of the fear associated with loss, we open ourselves up to being able to fully enjoy what we currently have rather than worry about when we will lose it/them. God wants us to only cling to Him and in doing so, in having faith and knowing that all I ever need is already and always present to me, I need no longer fear loss.

Remember that betrayal, injustice, and loss are all a vital part of our life’s journey, necessary for our personal growth, and most noticeably, essential for our spiritual development. Have faith, trust in God. All is exactly as it is meant to be.

To order a copy of The Secret Side of Anger or The Great Truth visit

Creating a Peace Plan

While it’s important to understand, express, manage, diffuse, and heal your anger, imagine how much easier it would be to prevent outside forces from irritating you from the get go? You can learn to be emotionally unaffected by the drama and chaos around you. Rest assured, I’m not suggesting that you allow people to behave badly and simply shrug them off. Nor am I recommending that when you see an injustice or someone being hurt that you ignore it so as not to become upset. What I am saying is this: anger is a choice. So is inner peace. It is the ability to remain calm in the midst of chaos, to maintain focus when you are under attack, to make rational decisions based on intellect rather than feelings. It’s similar to medical personnel in an emergency room. They see tragedy and crises every day and are trained to remain somewhat emotionally detached in order to deal with them in the most efficient way possible. In many cases, these are life-and-death situations and one cannot afford to make even the slightest mistake.

Creating a Peace Plan is like a diet: when you create a menu of foods that are healthy to eat, you stay focused on only buying, cooking, and eating those. In that way, you develop healthy eating habits and your body responds accordingly. Being tempted by high calorie, high fat, or unhealthy foods becomes less appealing as you savor the positive changes in your body. You don’t ever want to lose what you have obtained.

So it is with peace: once you experience it you never want to succumb to angry outbursts again. Your serenity is sacred and you refuse to relinquish it to the offensive behaviors of others or to circumstance that are out of your control. While issues will always arise and need our attention, we are now able to address them from a completely different mind-set, from one of peaceful surrender (?)
In the same fashion that we create a diet or develop a business plan, we can also create a plan for peace than prevents anger from controlling our lives. You already know those activities and attitudes that contribute to your sense of well-being. Draw up a list and begin incorporating them into your daily routine. Here are a few of my favorites:

1. Refrain from judging others. When we label other people (“she’s a jerk”, “he’s a waste of my time”) we are forming negative and unfavorable opinions of them. Any negative thought will generate a negative feeling. Replace judgment with understanding and compassion.
2. Be grateful. Many people continually complain about everything that is wrong with their lives and/or the world. None of us is without fault – everyone can use some improvement. As sad a state of affairs as the world is currently in, there is still much good to be found. Focusing on the blessings in your life rather than the shortages will enable you to maintain a feel-good attitude.
3. When given the opportunity to be right or be kind, choose kindness every time. (Note: you are always given the choice.) The payoff is huge.
4. Practice peace-inducing activities such as aerobic activities (releases endorphins), listening to soothing music, reading uplifting material, reciting a mantra to maintain focus.
5. Put everything into the proper perspective. Ask yourself, “Will this issue matter in ten years? Will I even remember it?” If the answer is no, let it go.
6. Choose to love unconditionally (it is possible, just takes practice) and forgive freely.
7. Remove all expectations of others. They are not here to be who you think they should be, to live their lives the way you feel is right, or to learn life’s lessons in your time frame.
8. Practice deep breathing. Oxygen to the brain is very soothing and comforting.
9. Meditate, whether in the traditional form or simply by taking time to focus on something peaceful.
10. Spend time in nature. Her healing properties and abilities to calm are extraordinary.
11. Touch: human touch has been scientifically proven to lower blood pressure and produce a state of calm. Don’t be afraid to hug one another. Human touch is very therapeutic.
12. Treat yourself to a good massage or reflexology session. Releasing muscle tension on a regular basis is physically and emotionally healthy. You can give yourself or your partner a good massage if a professional one is not within your means.
13. Spend time with your pet. My dogs have the ability to calm and soothe me immediately.
14. Sit in a quiet room with ambient lighting and candles. Simply sit and enjoy the quiet. Really. I know it sounds hard but it works.
15. Pray. Being connected to your higher power, to God, to your source of Love and Healing creates a sense of tranquility and stillness unlike any other. Rest assured that with God all is well, even though it may not be what you had expected or wanted. All is exactly as it is meant to be.

Peace is the ability to accept that which is. Life was never meant to go exactly as we had planned. Knowing that each experience we have, no matter how unfair, unjust, frightening, or painful is exactly what we must endure in order to fulfill a higher purpose in life, alleviates anxiety, anger, and suffering. It has taken me many years and a lot of angst to come to this awareness but having done so, I no longer fear what life has in store for me. My awareness that there is always a greater good to my current circumstance thwarts anger and fear. My faith in God restores my sense of stillness as I realize all is exactly as it is mean to be.

Practice peace. Make is a conscious part of your daily life. Eventually it becomes habitual and will require little if any effort.

“Some people believe that when you have your health you have everything. I believe that when you have inner peace you have all you will ever need.”

To order a copy of The Secret Side of Anger or The Great Truth visit

Violence, 911, and War: There’s a Better Way

Since the beginning of time, wars have been fought in an effort to bring about peace. Have we accomplished that yet? Maybe violence isn’t the answer.

I am a peace lover. Not only do I promote peaceful coexistence but I also live peacefully with others. I do not argue or fight; I do not promote or instigate dissension between family or friends; I am careful never to offend anyone and apologize quickly if I do. I have yet to meet anyone who loves brutality or war yet I continually encounter those who live violent lives.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr said, “It is not enough to say, ‘We must not wage war.’ It is necessary to love peace and sacrifice for it. We must concentrate not merely on the negative expulsion of war but on the positive affirmation of peace.” But how is that possible in a world filled with terrorists determined to annihilate all those who oppose their radical ways? Lawfully, we have a right to defend ourselves against those who pose a threat to us. We may use reasonable force in the face of peril. Therefore, if someone endangers my life, I may have a legal right to take theirs.
But my religious beliefs tell me hurting and killing others is wrong. The Sixth Commandment clearly states “Thou shalt not kill.” To the best of my knowledge, there is no amendment which states, “with the following exceptions.” All human life is sacred and I firmly believe in the preservation of such. But do I have a moral right to extinguish the light of another in order to protect mine? Herein lies my quandary.

In my latest book, The Great Truth, I speak of a great Spiritual Truth which redefines the meaning of our existence. Life is not about my experiences nor my relationships nor being happy. I firmly believe that in each human encounter God expects us to respond in accordance with Divine Law. Do I make decisions that are in my best interest or do I obey my Heavenly Father? As in war, a soldier may be given a command by his/her superior but feels their way is a better one. Yet, the soldier is obligated to obey the commanding officer not only for the soldier’s best interest but for the safety and benefit of the entire unit and ultimately their country as well. One arrogant act of disobedience can prove catastrophic.
So it is with God’s Command. We may not always be privy to the bigger picture. Yet if we are true disciples of the Lord God, then we must obey each of His Laws without question, trusting that His Way is the right way. We do not hand-pick those teachings which momentarily suit our needs.

In a recent statement regarding the latest terrorist attacks in Seria, Pope Francis calls for a peaceful response: “Violence and war are never the way to peace… War always marks the failure of peace; it is always a defeat for humanity.” Godly words, for sure.

The human side of me struggles with the dilemma of how I would respond should someone attack one of my children or grandchildren. Would I use deadly force to protect them or would I relinquish my human rights to Divine Decree?
Matthew 16:24 ~ Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.”

Maybe there is a higher purpose to not waging war or fighting back. After all, this world and all its events are but a moment in time. It’s the next life that is eternal. I pray that I am a true disciple of the Lord and will faithfully follow His teachings. “Peace is the way, not a goal.” ~ Janet Pfeiffer

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