Posts Tagged ‘healing’

The Spiritual Solution to Anger

I’ve spoken many times about the importance of all feelings, anger included. With every emotion we experience, we have the ability to learn much about ourselves. No feeling is inherently wrong. It’s how we choose to express and use them that determines their value.

In The Secret Side of Anger, I address the three root causes of anger and how to heal each of them. Not being a proponent of control, I have found that the best approach is to understand why a particular feeling has emerged, how to express it appropriately (if doing so is necessary at all) and ultimately to heal it so there are no residual effects left to cause further problems in the future. I provide very practical strategies to do so. However, one can also take a purely spiritual approach to healing anger as well. Let’s examine each of the root causes and the spiritual solution to each.

Hurt – people often say or do things that hurt us. Let me rephrase that: we allow ourselves to be hurt by the inconsiderate or rude behaviors of others. Anger, hurt, embarrassment – all feelings are a personal choice we make (albeit sometimes subconsciously). So how do we prevent the actions of others to cause us pain? We must understand that behavior is an external expression of an internal issue. People act out what they feel. Their behavior is never about us. So we must learn not to take personal offense to it. We can respond with understanding (that they are human, they make mistakes, they sometimes act out inappropriately). Be patient. What they are going through is a necessary part of their life’s journey. Do not judge but rather be kind and forgiving (and throw in a few boundaries for good measure).

Fear, the second root cause, is based on a lack of trust, primarily in God. From a purely spiritual perspective, learning to have faith in a loving God who always has our best interest at heart allows us to feel more at ease with our current circumstance. Conversation with God, otherwise known as prayer, alleviates anxiety and worry. So pray. Ask for guidance, strength, knowledge, wisdom, direction. God reassures us that if we ask we shall receive. Rather than pray for what we want to have happen, pray for the ability to endure it and emerge with greater awareness.

Frustration goes hand-in-hand with fear. It’s derived from the need to control. We want or expect things and people to be as we believe they should be. When what we are seeking is not forthcoming, we experience a sense of powerlessness – the very definition of anger. We’re all familiar with the expression “Let go, let God”. There is much wisdom in those four words. The Bible tells us that there is a time and a season for everything under Heaven. We were not meant to have everything work out according to our plans. Whatever enters our life is exactly what we are meant to experience. When things don’t work out it’s because they are not meant to. Perhaps, it would have not been in our best interest. Perhaps, God has something even greater waiting to manifest in our lives. Let go of the need to control. Allow life to unfold exactly as it is meant to. Allow others to be who they are, to learn and grow in their own time and in their own way as well.

All roads lead to God. When we fully understand and choose to live life from this perspective, we are at ease with whatever and whoever enters and/or leaves our lives. All is exactly as it is meant to be so be at peace.

To order a copy of The Secret Side of Anger or The Great Truth visit

Betrayal, Injustice, and Loss: Getting Beyond the Anger

One of the predominant complaints I hear from my clients is “This isn’t fair!” Referring to an incident where they or someone else has suffered a perceived injustice, they feel angered that things were not equitable. There is a universal misconception that if you play by the rules you will be treated justly. If you show up at work on time each day and put in a productive eight hours, you’ll receive your yearly raise and Christmas bonus. If you are a loyal and faithful spouse your partner will appreciate you and yours will be a fairytale marriage. When the raise is not forthcoming or your spouse decides to leave you for someone else or when your best friend reveals a secret they vowed to take with them to their grave, the natural reaction is feelings of betrayal and rage.

Moving beyond our personal experiences, we also feel a sense of outrage when a crime is committed and the felon receives the minimum sentence or worse, none at all. We grieve the loss of a mother whose children were killed in a car accident caused by an intoxicated driver. Each of us could site dozens of incidences where we have experienced betrayal, injustice or loss on a personal or broader level. It is easy to become disheartened and angered at the unfairness life presents us with on a daily basis. Yet each has logical reason for occurring and there are methods to move beyond the anger and hurt.

The key in not being held hostage to each of these experiences is to understand their purpose and value in our lives. Readjusting our expectations of others and of life in general helps alleviate the shock and frustration when betrayal, unfairness, and/or loss enters our lives. Keep in mind the following:

1. Understand that others are not here to live up to our expectations of who/what we want them to be. Some are not trustworthy due to deep rooted personal issues. Others may feel justified in breaking a promise even though we may not share their point of view. Their position is a valid to them as ours is to us. This may not be an issue of right or wrong and we must be careful not to make it one.

2. We need to abandoned the notion that life is fair. There is no real justice in this life simply because humans are imperfect, have different opinions, and make mistakes. Additionally, we each have our own ideas of what fairness is. I may think it’s perfectly reasonable that if I do a favor for you, you will reciprocate. However, you may not be in a position to do so or you may not have asked for my help initially and therefore feel you don’t owe me anything. Even in the case where we feel justice has been served, it is really retribution for a committed offense that we are seeking. Retribution does not undo the wrong-doing. It simply brings some satisfaction that the other party had to “pay the price”.

3. Loss is an inevitable part of life. Nothing was meant to last forever, in part, because God does not want us to become attached to anything or anyone. Loss is laden with fear as we relinquish control in a situation. The fear of the unknown – not knowing what will come next or how it will impact me and if I will be ok in my new circumstances. But loss is necessary for growth. We must be willing to let go, to give up, to be free of what is no longer a necessary part of our lives. Even in our relationships – none was meant to last forever. By letting go of the fear associated with loss, we open ourselves up to being able to fully enjoy what we currently have rather than worry about when we will lose it/them. God wants us to only cling to Him and in doing so, in having faith and knowing that all I ever need is already and always present to me, I need no longer fear loss.

Remember that betrayal, injustice, and loss are all a vital part of our life’s journey, necessary for our personal growth, and most noticeably, essential for our spiritual development. Have faith, trust in God. All is exactly as it is meant to be.

To order a copy of The Secret Side of Anger or The Great Truth visit

Creating a Peace Plan

While it’s important to understand, express, manage, diffuse, and heal your anger, imagine how much easier it would be to prevent outside forces from irritating you from the get go? You can learn to be emotionally unaffected by the drama and chaos around you. Rest assured, I’m not suggesting that you allow people to behave badly and simply shrug them off. Nor am I recommending that when you see an injustice or someone being hurt that you ignore it so as not to become upset. What I am saying is this: anger is a choice. So is inner peace. It is the ability to remain calm in the midst of chaos, to maintain focus when you are under attack, to make rational decisions based on intellect rather than feelings. It’s similar to medical personnel in an emergency room. They see tragedy and crises every day and are trained to remain somewhat emotionally detached in order to deal with them in the most efficient way possible. In many cases, these are life-and-death situations and one cannot afford to make even the slightest mistake.

Creating a Peace Plan is like a diet: when you create a menu of foods that are healthy to eat, you stay focused on only buying, cooking, and eating those. In that way, you develop healthy eating habits and your body responds accordingly. Being tempted by high calorie, high fat, or unhealthy foods becomes less appealing as you savor the positive changes in your body. You don’t ever want to lose what you have obtained.

So it is with peace: once you experience it you never want to succumb to angry outbursts again. Your serenity is sacred and you refuse to relinquish it to the offensive behaviors of others or to circumstance that are out of your control. While issues will always arise and need our attention, we are now able to address them from a completely different mind-set, from one of peaceful surrender (?)
In the same fashion that we create a diet or develop a business plan, we can also create a plan for peace than prevents anger from controlling our lives. You already know those activities and attitudes that contribute to your sense of well-being. Draw up a list and begin incorporating them into your daily routine. Here are a few of my favorites:

1. Refrain from judging others. When we label other people (“she’s a jerk”, “he’s a waste of my time”) we are forming negative and unfavorable opinions of them. Any negative thought will generate a negative feeling. Replace judgment with understanding and compassion.
2. Be grateful. Many people continually complain about everything that is wrong with their lives and/or the world. None of us is without fault – everyone can use some improvement. As sad a state of affairs as the world is currently in, there is still much good to be found. Focusing on the blessings in your life rather than the shortages will enable you to maintain a feel-good attitude.
3. When given the opportunity to be right or be kind, choose kindness every time. (Note: you are always given the choice.) The payoff is huge.
4. Practice peace-inducing activities such as aerobic activities (releases endorphins), listening to soothing music, reading uplifting material, reciting a mantra to maintain focus.
5. Put everything into the proper perspective. Ask yourself, “Will this issue matter in ten years? Will I even remember it?” If the answer is no, let it go.
6. Choose to love unconditionally (it is possible, just takes practice) and forgive freely.
7. Remove all expectations of others. They are not here to be who you think they should be, to live their lives the way you feel is right, or to learn life’s lessons in your time frame.
8. Practice deep breathing. Oxygen to the brain is very soothing and comforting.
9. Meditate, whether in the traditional form or simply by taking time to focus on something peaceful.
10. Spend time in nature. Her healing properties and abilities to calm are extraordinary.
11. Touch: human touch has been scientifically proven to lower blood pressure and produce a state of calm. Don’t be afraid to hug one another. Human touch is very therapeutic.
12. Treat yourself to a good massage or reflexology session. Releasing muscle tension on a regular basis is physically and emotionally healthy. You can give yourself or your partner a good massage if a professional one is not within your means.
13. Spend time with your pet. My dogs have the ability to calm and soothe me immediately.
14. Sit in a quiet room with ambient lighting and candles. Simply sit and enjoy the quiet. Really. I know it sounds hard but it works.
15. Pray. Being connected to your higher power, to God, to your source of Love and Healing creates a sense of tranquility and stillness unlike any other. Rest assured that with God all is well, even though it may not be what you had expected or wanted. All is exactly as it is meant to be.

Peace is the ability to accept that which is. Life was never meant to go exactly as we had planned. Knowing that each experience we have, no matter how unfair, unjust, frightening, or painful is exactly what we must endure in order to fulfill a higher purpose in life, alleviates anxiety, anger, and suffering. It has taken me many years and a lot of angst to come to this awareness but having done so, I no longer fear what life has in store for me. My awareness that there is always a greater good to my current circumstance thwarts anger and fear. My faith in God restores my sense of stillness as I realize all is exactly as it is mean to be.

Practice peace. Make is a conscious part of your daily life. Eventually it becomes habitual and will require little if any effort.

“Some people believe that when you have your health you have everything. I believe that when you have inner peace you have all you will ever need.”

To order a copy of The Secret Side of Anger or The Great Truth visit