Posts Tagged ‘internet radio’

THE T-I-B-Bs AFFECT ON ANGER

Although we often classify a person’s actions as problematic, in truth a person’s conduct is never the real problem. Behavior is nothing more than an outward expression of an internal issue. For example, if an individual is in a bad mood and arguing with those around them, the fighting simply indicates a possible insecurity or fear. Perhaps the person is worried about their health and others are offering unsolicited advice. Their angst is overwhelming and can easily be expressed as agitation, causing them to vehemently dispute every suggestion for possible treatment.
A common reaction for a child who is being teased is crying, followed by an angry outburst. The emotion that proceeds the anger is critical to identifying the underlying cause: crying indicates pain or hurt – either physical or emotional. Like an animal who’s been injured, one lashes out as a means of self-protection. Fear of experiencing further pain compels the individual (or animal) to summon their rage in an attempt to get the attacker to back off.

Keep in mind, too, that the offensive behavior may in no way be connected to what is transpiring in the moment. Very often, there are old unresolved issues from one’s past that are being triggered by what is currently taking place. The person is not necessarily responding to the present stimuli but it serves as a reminder of a prior event.

In prior shows, I’ve discussed the three root causes of anger: hurt, fear, and/or frustration. As I just mentioned, the preceding emotion to anger invites a deeper insight into TIBBs: The Issues Behind the Behaviors. Certainly people can deny their anger or try to suppress or control it. However, none of these allows for a healing to occur. Denial of cancer does not heal the disease. Only when it is identified and treatment (whether conventional or holistic) begins does the afflicted activate the healing process and restoration of wellness.

So how does one identify the issues behind the behaviors? Again, taking a moment to ascertain the prior emotion is a perfect beginning to unraveling this puzzle. From there, one needs to work backwards to the point of origin, much the way a detective at a crime scene would. Here are some examples:
Monday night I was not in my typical cheerful frame of mind. Having to take a family member to court is something I prayed for a long time would not occur. But luck was not on my side and an attorney needed to be retained. Whenever I have contact with him, I become extremely distressed and conflicted. Being inquisitive as to how this issue was progressing, my husband queried me as to what the latest news was. If humans could growl, my response to him, while not disrespectful by any means, had a hint of canine in it. “It’s not going well at all! I just don’t want to pursue this but I’m caught in the middle and have to continue.”

I was annoyed (the mildest form of anger) and responded abruptly. But what emotion kindled the irritation? Hurt, for certain, that such a close family member could set out to deliberately harm me. Secondly was frustration that without legal representation I was basically powerless (from a purely human/physical perspective). Granted, I could choose to do nothing at all but doing so would only give cause for a continued problem with said family member. Lastly was fear – not the terrifying kind but a deep concern that justice would not prevail and that this individual would continue to cause duress in my life as they have for many years prior.

Once able to identify the root cause(s), I need to continue regressing to uncover the issues behind them. The hurt I was experiencing revealed several concerns: first that someone I loved and trusted for my entire life could become so vengeful towards me. The trust we shared for more than half a century was broken and most likely would never be restored. Betrayal is a deep wound that could take years to heal. Add to that the fact that a valued relationship had ended and I felt a sense of grief as well.

Behind the fear existed the deep sense of a responsibility I was granted that I may not be able to fulfill due to unforeseen circumstances. There was more at stake here than just myself. Many others were dependent on my ability to fulfill my duties. I was deeply afraid of disappointing them, even though on every level they would understand completely. I was also concerned that I would be letting down the ones who entrusted this task to me. When given a responsibility, I have always felt compelled to follow it through no matter what. I was taught to never quit and it is nearly impossible for me to do so, even when completely justified. In that regard, I see myself as having failed and for me, that’s a tough burden to carry.

Interestingly, the frustration arose from conflicting beliefs. When one feels powerless over a situation, they need to stop and inquire if said circumstance needs more energy or effort of another kind, or does it fall into the not meant to be category? Ego and its need for justice was at odds with spirit who argued that perhaps God wanted me to let go and trust that He would right this injustice.

So in summary, my (mild) anger was not the issue. Behind it lied the trifector: hurt, fear, and frustration. And beneath each of those resided issues of a broken trust, grief (loss of a loved one), a possible exaggerated sense of responsibility, fear of disappointing others, and inability to accept a perceived defeat. The battle between ego and spirit was at the root of my frustration: seek justice or allow an inequity to prevail? Or is the real issue to allow God’s justice to triumph over my version?

In this particular situation, the issue was a bit more complex than in others yet the process to uncover TIBBs (The Issues Behind the Behaviors) is the same. In order to heal anger, one must be willing to undergo this somewhat lengthy, and sometimes, challenging process in order to emerge strong and healthy. Failure to do so only gives license for those unresolved issues to fester and grow, interfering with one’s ability to be happy and live unencumbered by life’s relentless challenges.

What I need to work on are these:
Healing the hurt: only when we set up expectations of others do we put ourselves at risk to be hurt and disappointed. As much as I disapproved of the actions of my family member, I also realize that I have no right to impose my ways on her. What she is doing, as morally reprehensible as it is, is a necessary part of her spiritual journey. Once I am able to fully accept this, I can remove the judgments I’ve placed on her and find the inner peace I am seeking.

Healing the grief: we hold on too tightly to our relationships, especially those of a personal nature. We subscribe to the adage that blood is thicker than water; that you should always be able to count on your family. Yet in truth, our families are made up of imperfect beings with their own issues and agendas. No relationship, sans God, is meant to last forever. I need to remind myself that we shared a lot of good years together and as in death we are no longer a part of each other’s lives.

Let go of responsibility: even the most trustworthy and conscientious people sometimes fall short of fulfilling their duties. Unforeseen circumstances can deter the most determined of us. Like the weather, there are some things we simply don’t have control over. This in no way indicates a failure on the part of the entrusted one. I have always defined failure as a lack of effort. As long as one makes a concerted attempt there is some success that has been achieved. Letting go is in no way a reflection of my integrity or worth. It can be a recognition of the wisdom of letting things simply be; trusting that life is meant to unfold naturally and not necessarily according to my desires.

Neutralizing frustration: the battle between spirit and ego is a universal one that plagues all of humanity. In this instance, I need to remind myself that God’s Will must take precedence over mine. Relying on Scripture for guidance, I found passages that seemed to contradict themselves. From Isaiah 1:17: “Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow.” Yet Luke tells us in Chapter 6:29 “If someone slaps you on one cheek turn the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them.” Therein lies the root of my concern: how can I fully know how God wants me to proceed in this issue?

If you were diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease and your doctor gave you a list of activities you must abide by in order to heal your body, there would be no hesitation in following his directives immediately and completely. Yet many will be hesitant to embark on this journey of emotional healing claiming it is time consuming and tedious. But this I can promise you: that if you put forth effort you will achieve success. And as with any new practice, in time it will become second nature and you will more easily be able to decipher and heal the underlying issues behind your anger. Here you will discover your inner sanctuary.

Remember, behaviors are never the problem but behaviors can create problems. Identify and heal TIBBs and there you will find your peace. I wish you the best.

Order The Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html
Listen to past shows on iHeart Radio @ http://ow.ly/OADTf
Listen to my newest iHeart Radio show, BETWEEN YOU AND GOD, @ http://ow.ly/OADJK
Follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, Pinterest, Google+

“GO AHEAD – GET GOOD AND ANGRY!”

It’s hard to avoid getting angry. Even those who are relatively easy going find themselves irate from time to time. At the most inopportune moments, anger can rear its ugly head and create all sorts of havoc in our lives. Consider these examples:

You’ve been under extraordinary amounts of stress lately and your daughter is late coming home from a date. As she walks in the door, you blow up at her, screaming that she’s grounded for a month.

You open your latest property tax bill only to find that there’s been a major increase. You call the town and lash out at the receptionist telling her that the government is corrupt and you’re not going to give them any more of your hard earned money.

In a discussion on social media, it becomes apparent that you, a passionate vegan, do not share the same beliefs as a “friend” who loves a good steak on the grill. You get into a heated argument resulting in you calling her a hater and killer, powerful words meant to demean and sting.

Anger is a messenger that alerts us to the fact that what is occurring is wrong, according to our beliefs and standards. Perhaps we are being treated unfairly or we perceive that someone is in danger.

Anger provides for us the opportunity to make any necessary adjustments in order to right an inequity. We can correct that which violates our principles, restore justice to a discriminatory situation, or perhaps redirect the course of an occurrence in order to prevent any harm from befalling us or others. In any event, anger like any other emotion, is not inherently bad or wrong. Every feeling has a purpose and understanding what that is, is critical to knowing how to utilize it in a positive and constructive way. Good anger is beneficial and results in positive changes for all those concerned. It finds solutions, uplifts, protects, corrects, enhances, and enriches lives. Bad anger, on the other hand, makes matters worse for the one with the ire as well as those who are subject to its effects. It can cause physical, emotional and/or psychological pain, intimidate, instill fear, damage relationships, cause the destruction of property, send people to jail, destroy lives, and even kill.

Following few simple steps can ensure that the anger you experience will always be of the good variety.
BA: Bad anger; GA: Good anger

Postpone expressing yourself until you’ve calmed down. We’ve all learned by now that when we are highly emotional we run the risk of saying something offensive or doing something foolish that will only exacerbate matters. Give yourself enough time to calm down, cool off, think about what the real issues are, and the best way to discuss them. (Refer to the SWaT Strategy in The Secret Side of Anger)

Ex: Your neighbor’s children ride their bikes on your lawn even though you’ve asked them several times not to.

BA: You are livid and want to go next door immediately and berate the parents, telling them that their kids are unruly and that if they were good parents they would teach their kids to respect other people’s property. You then want to demand that they pay for the damages done to your lawn and threaten them with a lawsuit if they don’t.

GA: However, by giving yourself time to consider the real issues here, you determine that this is not necessarily an issue of bad parenting. Your real concern is the continued financial burden and time expended correcting the ongoing damage done by the children. The real issues, then, are your time and money. Having clearly identified them, you are now able to discuss those issues only, leaving any volatile comments about your neighbor’s parenting abilities out of the discussion. In this regard, you can hopefully preserve a respectful relationship with them.

State what you’re angry about and why. We think that we have a right, and that it’s best, to verbally express our anger. Some people sincerely try to find an appropriate way of doing so. However, if you look closely, to express anger means to verbally or physically let it out; to actually be angry. Anger typically appears as yelling, cursing, criticism, sarcasm, hitting, throwing things, and/or punching. It can also take a more subtle, passive/aggressive guise such as excluding someone or giving them the silent treatment.

BA: “I can’t believe you broke my favorite lamp! My grandmother gave it to me and it’s irreplaceable. You have no respect for my personal property! I knew I couldn’t trust you! If I broke something of yours you’d be furious!”

GA: “I’m really upset that my antique lamp got broken. It was given to me by my grandmother and can never be replaced.”

In the second example, you explained your anger, you don’t express it nor attack or blame the responsible party. This thwarts the need for the other person to defend themselves against and allows the encounter to remain civil. In this regard, you open the door to finding solutions instead of arguing.

Evaluate for fairness. Ask yourself, “Am I being fair and reasonable in this situation?” Taking a moment and evaluating your circumstances prevents you from making a foolish or possibly deadly error in judgment. It also enables you to evaluate what truly matters. Is this situation really that serious? Is it worthy of your anger? Are you blowing things out of proportion?

BA: “If you don’t eat all of your peas I’m throwing away your bike!” a frustrated mother screams at her six-year old.

GA: Mom re evaluates the situation. “Tommy is a pretty good eater but he really does hate peas. I could give him string beans instead. He’ll eat those will less fuss. As long as he eats some veggies I’m happy.” Problem solved and everyone’s happy.

In taking a moment to reassess our position , we have the opportunity to better know ourselves, to analyze our priorities, to reassess our values. There may be some postures in need of minor adjustments; others that need to be discarded completely. A moment of contemplation can be very enlightening and as a result we evolve to a higher awareness of the self and life in general. On every level, this is a significant benefit.
Separate the issue from the individual, the problem from the person. How many people can consciously separate being angry about an issue rather than with the individual?

BA: “Our family reunion is today. I’ve worked for a year planning this and now it’s raining. I told you not to have it in April, the rainiest month of the year. But, no, you wouldn’t listen to me. You are so selfish and controlling! You ruined the entire day!”

GA: “I can’t believe it – it’s raining and we have sixty people coming over for our annual family reunion. I had a feeling this was going to happen. This is going to be a disaster if we don’t act quickly. We all need to make some phone calls to see if we can rent some tents or a local VFW hall.”

In this instance, even though the couple clearly had different ideas as to when to host such a large gathering, the wife fully understood that even though she disagreed with her husband’s choice of dates, she did concede to his way. Taking responsibility for her decision, anger directed at her spouse would be unjust. In this moment, she was angry over the situation – the fact that her hopes for a sunny day were dashed by precipitation. She did not blame or attack her husband; she attacked the problem not the person.

Contemplate this: the next time you get angry, take your favorite object in your house and smash in on the floor. When you have calmed down, re evaluate your actions. Feel the regret for having damaged something valuable that was not responsible for how you felt. Now, imagine taking your anger out on another and causing them harm. Like the object, they are not liable for your feelings yet they suffered the consequences of your wrath. There is no justification in your actions.

Make matters right. Put forth 100% of your efforts into making matters better. After accurately identifying the issue behind the rage, concentrating on finding a solution, on fixing what is broken or does not work, on correcting an injustice or restoring fairness to a situation. By doing so, you are creating positive change in a negative environment that will benefit all parties.

BA: For a long time, there has been one member at work who does not do their share. You continually pick up the slack for them. “Enough is enough. From now on, I’m going to do the bare minimum, just like my coworker. If they can lax then so can I.”

GA: “I need to address this issue with them and hopefully get it resolved. If that doesn’t work, I’ll bring it to the attention of my supervisor. In any event, I take pride in doing my job well and will continue to do so. However, I will no longer do theirs for them.”

In the second response, you have chosen to use your anger to try and rectify an impropriety. Regardless of the outcome, you do not allow your circumstances to cause you to lower your standards. You resolve to rise above and be pleased with who you are at all times.
No one needs to fear anger nor deny it should it arise. Anger can be beneficial if you understand why it has appeared and what you need to do with it. Keep in mind the following suggestions:

~Postpone expressing yourself until you’ve calmed down.
~State what you’re angry about and why.
~Evaluate for fairness.
~Separate the issue from the individual.
~Make matters right.

Now that you’ve done that, go ahead and get good and angry.

Q: “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”
― Ambrose Bierce

Order The Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html

Listen to past shows on iHeart Radio @ http://ow.ly/OADTf
Listen to my newest iHeart Radio show, BETWEEN YOU AND GOD, @ http://ow.ly/OADJK
Follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, Pinterest, Google+

A W-I-S-E APPROACH TO RESOLVING CONFLICTS

In college, one of my philosophy professors would frequently have the class debate a hot topic. He’d randomly divide the class in half and have each side present their best argument in support of their assigned position. Regardless of how you felt personally, you were expected to gather as many facts as possible to present the strongest argument. It was actually quite stimulating as it challenged us to be willing to see the issue from every possible perspective. This lesson has served me well in life as I have always tried to view a subject matter from all sides.
In relationships, disagreement are normal and healthy. They allow us to open our minds to new ways of thinking. In business, brainstorming is a common practice whereby team members contribute every possible idea relating to the project they are collaborating on. Even those suggestions that are deemed unworkable still have value as they oftentimes spark a fresh idea that actually proves to be helpful. In politics, when applied correctly, the opposing sides can actually use their differences to find common ground that will serve the good of the entire country. It’s only when egos get in the way causing people to become fearful, selfish, and closed minded do disagreements cause tempers to flare and a breakdown in the negotiating process to occur.

However, there is a very W~I~S~E approach to resolving conflicts and disagreements with a high degree of success and minimal disappointment to all parties:

W – Wait: wait before you respond. A moment of pause can prevent a lifetime of regret. When the other party presents their position, if it differs from ours or what we were expecting, we can easily become upset or angry. An immediate response can cause an innocent situation to rapidly escalate into an argument.

In my book, The Secret Side of Anger, I teach people to practice the SWaT Strategy: Stop, Walk, Talk. When you find yourself become upset, Stop what you are doing/saying. In that way you can prevent yourself from saying/doing something regrettable. Secondly, Walk away. Out of sight, out of mind. Give yourself some space between you and the other party. Thirdly, Talk yourself calm. What you say to yourself will either cause your emotions to intensify or to subside. Once calm, return to the conversation ready to listen and respond rationally and fairly.

I – Intellect: use your rational brain to think about what is transpiring: the importance of the issue, what each party wants, how each person feels, and what it is that you each want to accomplish with the discussion. Oftentimes, we allow our irrational emotions to control our actions and comments. But emotions cloud rational judgment. It is critical that we remain calm so that our intellectual brain can gather all relevant data, process it, and determine the best possible course of action. Just as emergency responders need to put their feelings on hold in order to deal effectively with the crisis at hand, so must we be willing to do the same. And in doing so, we will make smarter more solution-oriented and all-inclusive choices that benefit all parties.

S – See and Smile: Always try to see things from the perspective of the other party. In this way, you are better able to understand their position and proceed in a more compassionate manner. It is imperative that we truly try to understand where the other person is coming from even if we don’t agree with their way of thinking. All people need and want to be understood and validated. This simple gesture begins laying a foundation of trust that enables both parties to move forward in a fair and timely manner towards a mutually agreed upon solution.

Smile: Did you know that the simple act of smiling releases endorphins in the brain, those feel-good chemicals that enable us to keep a positive attitude? A smile keeps your face friendly and your voice cheerful as well. While this may not sound like a significant gesture, it is in fact a powerful one. Would you not prefer to converse with someone who had a friendly face as opposed to one sporting a scowl?
Smiles are contagious and make us appear more attractive to others. They can lift our mood as well as the moods of those around us and have been shown to lengthen our lives as well. A smile wards off stress which in turn enables us to remain calm and focused. Our bodies relax making us less threatening and more welcoming from a physical perspective. All things considered, a smile is one of the most powerful tools we have in maintaining healthy inviting relationships and getting those differences resolved peacefully.

E – Express: Throughout the entire process, be certain to always express with respect – speak to one another with dignity and reverence at all times. Even those we don’t care for, who can be obstinate or rude, deserve respect. Ironically, many believe that respect must be earned or given to us before we are willing to reciprocate. However, Divine Law dictates otherwise. “Let all that you do be done in love.” “Love one another.” By our very nature, we are perfect beings deserving of respect. The very word respect means “to value”. Our Creator imparted equal worth to each of His sacred children.
One can be passionate, upset, angry, disappointed, or disagree with the other person while still expressing themselves in a respectful manner. I cannot expect others to treat me with regard if I am not first willing to do so for them. Ghandi’s inspiring words remind us to first be the change we want to see in the world. I must be the example of reverence that others may aspire to emulate.

I’ve always admired those who possess the gift of wisdom. Now each of us can be W~I~S~E in how we resolve our differences. If each of us followed these four simple steps, by example we could have a dramatic impact on reducing the amount of anger, fighting, and negativity that occurs in our immediate circles. Gradually, this would impact us on global level as well. Put some good vibrations into the universe by keeping conflict resolution peaceful and productive. Be W~I~S~E and be triumphant.

Q “Speak from the heart. Let all your words be tempered with kindness and in doing so you will garner respect and cooperation from all.”

Order The Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html

Listen to past shows on iHeart Radio @ http://ow.ly/OADTf
Listen to my newest iHeart Radio show, BETWEEN YOU AND GOD, @ http://ow.ly/OADJK
Follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, Pinterest, Google+