Posts Tagged ‘radio’

4 SIMPLE RULES FOR A HAPPY LIFE

Most people I know want to be happy. I say most because there some who are really miserable and seem content remaining that way. They resist every opportunity for joy and find excuses to stay stuck in their gloom. Although I believe that deep down inside every human being desires happiness, I also believe that some feel they are either undeserving or that it is unattainable for them. Some wallow in self-pity keeping them trapped in their own unhappiness. They become so comfortable in their ways of thinking and living that although it may be painful for them it is all they know. It’s like poverty: some accept that there is no way out and resign themselves to their dismal fate.

Happiness is our Divine right; it is our natural state of being. We were not created nor intended to suffer. While brief moments of sadness enter everyone’s lives, misery is self imposed. It is the direct result of a prolonged obsession with what is not right in our lives or not working according to our beliefs and desires. We focus on what is lacking rather than what we have, what we can be grateful for, and what is going smoothly and according to our plans.

Being happy is not complicated nor difficult. Follow these four simple guidelines and watch your happiness index soar!

1. Remove all expectations. In doing so, you will avoid disappointment and anger.

We all have certain expectations in life. We presume that people will behave appropriately according to our standards; that life should be fair; that if one works hard they will achieve their goals; if you treat others with respect it will be reciprocated and so on. While expectations are normal, the more we impose them on others, ourselves and the world, the more we set ourselves up to be disappointed. And disappointment easily converts to hurt, frustration, and/or anger. Very often what we are seeking from others is unrealistic or unfair. We trust that as our children mature they will hold on to the beliefs we instilled in them when they were younger. Those who rebel against them let us down and we become fearful that their lives will be substandard, as the foundation we laid for them appears to have been weakened. We may also experience pain that their rejection of our parenting and values is a poor reflection on us. Many families have experienced tension based on a child’s perceived disloyal choices.

We also believe that the adult population should be reliable and when they fall short, we are hurt and disillusioned. A person’s trustworthiness is dependent upon many factors: their level of maturity, the nature of their relationship with you, the nature of the issue at hand, changing circumstances beyond their control, and other factors. Not interested in their excuses or valid reasons, we judge them as deceitful and become angry with them.

However, much of what we are seeking is simply out of alignment with reality. We ask far too much of ourselves, others and even of the world in general. Re examining our expectations, removing those that are unfair, lessening others to a more realistic level or eliminating them altogether will greatly decrease the stress in our lives and allow for happiness to evolve.

2. Accept life and others as is.

We all know that we are not intended to change anyone, nor is it actually possible as we all have free will to make our own decisions in life. However, even those with good intentions subconsciously attempt to manipulate others into being something or someone other than who they are or to convince them to change their ways and behave in a manner more acceptable to us. Those who are confident with themselves or who may be just plain stubborn will not comply, leaving one feeling helpless and disheartened. Reminding oneself that it is not our responsibility to change anyone but to simply accept them as they are, we can experience greater peace and happiness. This acceptance, however, does not imply that we must maintain a relationship with those whose lifestyles pose harm to us in some way.

It’s also crucial to allow life to unfold naturally. Humans, generally speaking, want to control their lives, what happens and when, and the course it takes. However, control is an illusion (with the exception of controlling that which is internal: our thoughts, feelings, and ultimately our [external] choices). There are an infinite number of factors that influence the direction our lives will take and what does and doesn’t occur. Rather than try to force life to conform to our dictates, allow it to be what it is. Go with the flow. Make your decisions but be more willing to accept what occurs, embrace that which works and release that which doesn’t. You will have far less angst in your life if you can do this.
3. Release what doesn’t work for you and move on.

Life doesn’t always comply with our demands. We don’t always realize the precise outcome we were hoping for. Some of what occurs in life does not appear to be beneficial for us as well. If we are unable to make the necessary changes we are seeking, simply release the situation or event without anger or judgment and move on. Putting forth effort to force into existence that which may not be meant to be is both exhausting and oftentimes futile. Letting go of a car which has proven to be a lemon is easier than continually investing time, effort, and money into repairing something that has limited value.

This applies to people as well. Sometimes we hold on to relationships long after their usefulness has expired. I’m certainly not suggesting that we use people for our own benefit, then discard them when they no longer serve a purpose. What I am recommending is that some relationships are toxic, others are not meant to last a lifetime, others only enter our lives only for a specific purpose and must then leave. I value people and my relationships with them above most everything else in life. However, it is imperative that we graciously release back to God those which are negative, draining, dangerous, or currently hopeless. It’s like cleaning out our closets: when we let go of what no longer fits, we are free to invite healthier, more suitable people into our circle of acquaintances.

4. Refrain from trying to change anything or anyone other than yourself.

People expend enormous amounts of time, energy, and resources trying to fix, save, improve or completely overhaul others. To believe we have the right or the responsibility to change anyone is arrogant and self-righteous. Every human being has a God-given right to be who they are and to live life to the best of their abilities; to learn what they need to learn in their own time frame and way; to make their own mistakes without fear of ridicule or condemnation; to be accepted, valued, and loved exactly as they are.

Generally speaking, people try to change others from a place of concern for the other’s well-being. We see someone making foolish or dangerous mistakes and we want to protect them, to spare them any unnecessary harm or suffering. We try to impose our methods or beliefs on them. However, one size does not fit all. What works for one may not be suitable for the other. And by interfering, we may rob that person of exactly what they need to experience for the fulfillment of their Divine Purpose.

The message we send others when trying to change them is that they are not ok nor good enough the way they are. However, in our greatness we will fix that, correct any flaws and make dramatic improvements to who they are and the quality of their lives. And of course, once the transformation has been completed, the renovated one will forever sing our praises for our selfless actions, she said facetiously.

Still, there are some who try to change others purely for selfish reasons. It might make life easier or more enjoyable for the one imposing the change if the other were improved upon, i.e. made different. Or perhaps it is to gain a sense of power and dominance over the other. It may also be to try and make oneself appear to be a caring and intelligent person, raising their status above the other, making themselves appear superior to the one who is flawed.

However, each one of us is born with intellect (the ability to think and rationalize) and free will (the ability to make our own decisions). Therefore, while it may appear that we have caused a change in the other party, in truth it is a personal choice made of their own volition. We had no power over them at all. Time spent trying to improve others would best be served working on improving oneself. We have more than enough imperfections in need of correcting and we are the only ones responsible for doing so. Therefore, work exclusively on the self and offer your own transformation as inspiration to others to follow that will ultimately suit their own agenda.

One of my favorite quotes is from the Dalai Lama: “Every single being, even those who are hostile to us, is just as afraid of suffering as we are and seeks happiness in the same way we do. Every person has the same right as we do to be happy and not to suffer. So let us take care of others wholeheartedly of both our friends and our enemies. This is the basis for true compassion.”

To recap: Four Simple Rules For A Happy Life:
1. Remove all expectations.
2. Accept life and others as is.
3. Release what doesn’t work for you and move on.
4. Refrain from trying to change anything or anyone other than yourself.

When you have accomplished this you will find lasting happiness and inner peace.

Q: Acceptance of those things which we cannot or should not change allow us to live in peace and harmony.

Order The Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html

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5 QUALITIES OF NON VIOLENT FIGHTING

When individuals disagree on a subject matter, whether it’s politics, religion, home projects, budgeting issues or such, very often the discussion escalates into a full-blown fight. Tensions rise as each side tries to convince the other that their beliefs or ways of doing something are more valid that the others, that they are right on their position. In my conflict resolution training program, I stress the importance of refraining from using the terms right or wrong. To do so indicates an insecurity that needs strengthening by proving oneself superior over another. The vast majority of issues we disagree on are not matters of right or wrong: they are simply issues of perception, preference, or opinion. Only issues of morality or fact can be deemed accurate or false. To recommend that people refrain from debating certain topics that they disagree on is unnecessary. Debates can be beneficial on so many levels such as enabling both sides to learn something new, to entertain the possibility that there is some validity to what the other is saying, to hone their communication and listening strategies, as well as learning tolerance and acceptance.

So how can two people strongly disagree on a topic and discuss it without having it escalate into verbal violence or aggression? There are five key strategies one must employ.

Confidence: When an individual feels strongly that their beliefs, ideas, feelings or ways of living life are valid, they are able to submit compelling facts to support their side. They are strong and secure in their position and comfortable with what they are presenting to support their side. Confidence does not feel threatened by those who disagree as they feel that no matter how strongly the other party feels about their position, a poised person can hold their ground and not acquiesce to their ways. Confidence, a belief in one’s abilities, enables the person to listen open-mindedly without fear of how the other might react or respond to them, nor what opinion the other person may form about them. Good, bad, or indifferent, confidence says, “I’m fine with whatever the outcome of our conversation is.”

They are also interested in sharing their thoughts without the need to convert the other party to their ways nor show them the error of theirs. There is no competition; only shared dialogue.

Those who are insecure or uncertain present a weak perspective easily crushed by the other side. In this instance, they feel at a disadvantage and may easily resort to yelling, raging, insults, criticisms, threats, demeaning comments and so on in order to intimidate the other party to back off, thus giving the illusion that they won. However, one who is secure in their beliefs creates a win-win situation for all, allowing the other side to maintain their dignity and beliefs as well.

Assertive: One who is assertive is gifted with a strong sense of self, a belief that they are capable of handling themselves well in any given situation. Regardless of the nature of the disagreement, an assertive person cares deeply about the well-being of their opponent with no interest in degrading them by proving them to be error. Differences are viewed as assets rather than obstacles and a lively debate is welcomed. Comfortable with taking the initiative, they are highly focused on finding common ground with the other party and are adept at directing the conversation on a positive course. If one party veers off on a tangent, they can readily bring them back into focus. If the other party becomes irate or hostile, they are well-equipped to set some boundaries and diffuse the incident. Assertives have a quiet air of inner strength and confidence about them; they neither rant nor yell nor threaten nor belittle. Their tone of voice is steady, strong and clear. They are leaders with viable skills and concern that keep a potentially volatile situation calm and productive.

Respectful: Respect is a treatment that we all seek yet few actually know the meaning of the word. To respect means to value. All human beings want to be treated with dignity and respect, as though they matter. Reverence does not have to be earned – it is a God-given right of every person ever born into this world. Yet some seem to believe that they have the authority to designate who has greater worth than another. If this is the mindset of one who engages in an oppositional discussion then there is sure to be frustration, anger, and hostility from the other side. It is critical to view the other person as worthy as yourself, to begin the discussion on an equal playing field so that no one feels greater or less than the other. This simple message, that you matter as much as I do, enables the other party to lower their defenses and trust you in the sense that you have their best interest at heart as you do your own. Even though I may vehemently disagree with your position, even though I may not understand it, a respectful individual recognizes that their beliefs are equally as valid to them as mine are to me. Being polite in that one simple regard dictates the nature and course of the conversation and keeps it on a positive and constructive note.

Fair-minded: One of humanities basic needs is to be treated fairly. This involves providing sufficient time for the other person to present their side; to listen without criticizing or interrupting; to refrain from making fun of or trying to disprove their points. Finding some valid points sends the message that you recognize the legitimacy of what they are saying even if you do not agree with it. Being fair means commenting on the issues, not criticizing the person (attack the issues not the individual).

If the discussion is one what needs a resolution, a fair-minded person will seek some sort of compromise. Their desire to make certain the other party is satisfied with the outcome is critically important to them. They will typically reassure them by making certain their needs are being met first and/or giving them more than they are expecting or entitled to. They fully embrace the belief that it is better to give than to receive and that it is in giving that we receive the most.

Solution-oriented: Not every disagreement will be resolved nor are they meant to be. Sometimes a debate is simply a sharing of ideas, beliefs, feelings or position. You will never convince a Republican to join the Democratic party or vice versa. Nor should we. It is in our differences that we find growth and expansion.

However, in those situations where an agreement is imperative, it is key to begin the conversation with the end goal in mind. What are we seeking to accomplish? What absolutely needs to take place in order for this issue to be put to rest at the satisfaction of both parties? Having a clear goal enables one to lay out a straightforward plan of action to achieve those goals. They are not sidetracked by superfluous facts or opinions, they avoid blame and finger-pointed, and they stay focused on finding a solution. They listen to all sides and take into consideration all perspectives and suggestions in addition to keeping the process short and sweet.

It’s critically important to enter into any discussion with a positive and open mind. Seek to listen, to learn, to understand, and to care about. If you find yourself becoming frustrated, take a moment and practice the SWaT Strategy: STOP the conversation, WALK away to emotionally disconnect, and TALK yourself calm. When you have regained your composure, return with the intent to have a successful and productive conversation. Utilize the 5 Qualities – confidence, assertive, respectful, fair-minded, and solution-oriented – and you fill discover a simple path to having a non-violent fight.

Ephesians 4:2 “Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.”

Order The Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html

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WHY YOU NEED TO CHANGE

People become defensive at the thought of someone telling them or implying that they must change. “I am who I am; take it or leave it” is often the response. “I’m not changing for anyone. Except me for who I am or don’t be in my life.” While many view these comments as signs of self-confidence – that one does not rely on the approval of others to determine their worth or that they are perfectly content with themselves exactly as they are – in truth this attitude is typically a cover-up for fear. “If I change then I am admitting there is something wrong with me. If I change, then others are controlling who I am and/or dictating who I become.” Neither option is appealing but rather quite disturbing. To admit one’s flaws can further damage one’s compromised sense of self. Giving in to the demands of others relinquishes one’s free will (freedom of choice) to another. Yet if we examine the need to change who we are in greater detail, we’ll see that neither need be the case.

First, let me state that we all need to change. Just as we periodically change our clothing when it no longer fits or becomes frayed or soiled, we also need to occasionally amend such things as our belief systems, methods of performing certain tasks, our ways of thinking or how we experience the world. Yet change without confidence in self is extremely difficult. One would not embark on a new career if they did not feel secure that they were qualified to do their new job well and/or that the switch would ultimately be beneficial to them. One must believe undeniably in their own abilities and fortitude before comfortably engaging in any life adjustments.

Secondly, it is important to note that before making any alterations in one’s self, one must fully know who they are. You are God’s sacred child, an expression of His Love manifest in physical form. The very nature of who you are is love: kindness, compassion, courage, forgiveness, justice, generosity, and so on. This is the you that you need to know intimately. Understand, too, that one is unable to change their intrinsic self. Like the color of your eyes, who you are is preordained by the Almighty and will remain intact for the duration of your existence. And it need not change for it is perfection in (human) form.

Thirdly, like your clothing or hairstyle, what needs to change from time to time are your attitudes and actions – the way you think and behave. Keep in mind that both of these are learned and serve a purpose in the moment. Keep in mind, too, that negative attitudes and like actions lead to difficulties in life. When we entertain positive thoughts they are followed by positive behaves as well and we reap the rewards of our choices.

Those attitudes and actions that need modification (or elimination) are those that do not support one’s authentic self. When we don’t outwardly express our true nature we create internal conflict for ourselves (“I’m a nice guy but I sometimes treat others poorly.”) We deceive ourselves by not acknowledging that our actions do not accurately reflect the goodness of who we are. There are times, too, when we recognize the contradiction but feel powerless over it. “Why am I hesitant to speak up? I’m not afraid of what others may think of me.” This leads to internal discontent and stress.

Our incongruent actions also cause confusion for those we are interacting with. They cannot fully know who we are if in fact we are acting out in a contradictory manner (being hurtful, sarcastic, lazy, mean-spirited, etc.) when they have already witnessed the goodness within us. This makes them question our trustworthiness, not knowing when we will contradict our nature with opposite behaviors. Lack of trust weakens the very foundation of any relationship and impedes its ability to grow and survive. If I am an intelligent person but I make ignorant choices, or give little regard to the decisions I make, then others begin to doubt my judgment, and my reputation as well as my relationship with them suffers.

Fourthly, the willingness to change means one is accepting enough of themselves to realize they need improvement in certain aspects of their life; that they are not fully comfortable of the way they are living; that they are a proverbial work in progress and are continually seeking to grow and improve. Like a worker who takes continuing education classes to always be up on the latest changes in their field so that they can be the best employee on the job, so is this same approach necessary to succeed in life. Someone once said, “Be content with what you have but never be content with who you are.”
In truth, we are continually modifying our behaviors in many different circumstances. A casual dresser wears formal attire to the wedding of a best friend as requested by the bride and groom; one who is shy takes command of the stage when performing; one who readily speaks their mind remains silent in order to protect someone’s feelings. We do this subconsciously without hesitation. Therefore the real issue is not so much a resistance to change but rather when it appears at the request or demand of another.

Fifthly, changing for others can be an indication of concern for their well-being. We speak to adults in one particular way yet if we encounter someone with a hearing impairment or a learning disability, we adjust how we interact with them by making certain that we speak in a way they can relate to. If my husband requests that I take my shoes off before entering the house so that I don’t track pollen in on my shoes that could cause him respiratory distress, as a loving wife I would gladly accommodate him. He is not asking that I change who I am but rather that I modify my actions in order to make life more comfortable for him. And if I asked him to be a little more quiet around the house from time to time rather than always expressing the boisterous person he is, I would hope that his love for me is great enough to do so. Call it love or concern or consideration or respect: life is a series of interactions with others and the more thoughtfulness we extend to others the easier our relationships, and ultimately our lives, will be. Of course, all of these requests and adjustments must be fair and reasonable.

Resistance to change causes the same rigidity that can make a stiff tree snap in a strong wind. Those that are willing to bend to accommodate the wind remain intact. Humans who adopt an attitude that they will not change for anyone are fearful of relinquishing who they are for the satisfaction of another. Resistance to change in general can be an indication of one who lives in denial of their unhealthy attitudes, actions, lifestyles, relationships and so on. Low self esteem prevents them from recognizing their imperfections and lack of courage or self-love prevents them from making the necessary improvements.

Even though we deny it, we all expect others to change for us in some way, shape or form. Spouses must be willing to accommodate their partner’s needs; family members must take into consideration what matters to other members and make the necessary adjustments (such as in meal preparations); coworkers need to modify the way they speak with and interact with others on the job to be more professional, and so on. The willingness to put another’s preferences above our own when necessary is thoughtful, courageous, respectful, and unselfish. Those are the very characteristics that we all seek in friendships, intimate relationships, and those we work with and interact with socially. Therefore we must be willing to extend those courteousies to others first.

Again, I am not suggesting one changes who they are intrinsically for in that regard we are all perfect. I am recommending that changing one’s attitudes and actions are not only necessary but vital to one’s success in life. Remember, too, that authentic change must be voluntary. Forced change is coercion or compliance and will never be lasting nor create a healthy, happy life.

Never settle for being the way you act; always seeking to learn, to grow, and to improve so that you may have the life God created you to have. When your outward attitudes and actions align with your intrinsic nature you will find inner peace and contentment.

“A bad attitude is like a flat tire: if you don’t change it you won’t get very far in life.”

Order The Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html

Listen to past shows on iHeart Radio @ http://ow.ly/OADTf
Listen to my newest iHeart Radio show, BETWEEN YOU AND GOD, @ http://ow.ly/OADJK
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