Posts Tagged ‘radio’

“GO AHEAD – GET GOOD AND ANGRY!”

It’s hard to avoid getting angry. Even those who are relatively easy going find themselves irate from time to time. At the most inopportune moments, anger can rear its ugly head and create all sorts of havoc in our lives. Consider these examples:

You’ve been under extraordinary amounts of stress lately and your daughter is late coming home from a date. As she walks in the door, you blow up at her, screaming that she’s grounded for a month.

You open your latest property tax bill only to find that there’s been a major increase. You call the town and lash out at the receptionist telling her that the government is corrupt and you’re not going to give them any more of your hard earned money.

In a discussion on social media, it becomes apparent that you, a passionate vegan, do not share the same beliefs as a “friend” who loves a good steak on the grill. You get into a heated argument resulting in you calling her a hater and killer, powerful words meant to demean and sting.

Anger is a messenger that alerts us to the fact that what is occurring is wrong, according to our beliefs and standards. Perhaps we are being treated unfairly or we perceive that someone is in danger.

Anger provides for us the opportunity to make any necessary adjustments in order to right an inequity. We can correct that which violates our principles, restore justice to a discriminatory situation, or perhaps redirect the course of an occurrence in order to prevent any harm from befalling us or others. In any event, anger like any other emotion, is not inherently bad or wrong. Every feeling has a purpose and understanding what that is, is critical to knowing how to utilize it in a positive and constructive way. Good anger is beneficial and results in positive changes for all those concerned. It finds solutions, uplifts, protects, corrects, enhances, and enriches lives. Bad anger, on the other hand, makes matters worse for the one with the ire as well as those who are subject to its effects. It can cause physical, emotional and/or psychological pain, intimidate, instill fear, damage relationships, cause the destruction of property, send people to jail, destroy lives, and even kill.

Following few simple steps can ensure that the anger you experience will always be of the good variety.
BA: Bad anger; GA: Good anger

Postpone expressing yourself until you’ve calmed down. We’ve all learned by now that when we are highly emotional we run the risk of saying something offensive or doing something foolish that will only exacerbate matters. Give yourself enough time to calm down, cool off, think about what the real issues are, and the best way to discuss them. (Refer to the SWaT Strategy in The Secret Side of Anger)

Ex: Your neighbor’s children ride their bikes on your lawn even though you’ve asked them several times not to.

BA: You are livid and want to go next door immediately and berate the parents, telling them that their kids are unruly and that if they were good parents they would teach their kids to respect other people’s property. You then want to demand that they pay for the damages done to your lawn and threaten them with a lawsuit if they don’t.

GA: However, by giving yourself time to consider the real issues here, you determine that this is not necessarily an issue of bad parenting. Your real concern is the continued financial burden and time expended correcting the ongoing damage done by the children. The real issues, then, are your time and money. Having clearly identified them, you are now able to discuss those issues only, leaving any volatile comments about your neighbor’s parenting abilities out of the discussion. In this regard, you can hopefully preserve a respectful relationship with them.

State what you’re angry about and why. We think that we have a right, and that it’s best, to verbally express our anger. Some people sincerely try to find an appropriate way of doing so. However, if you look closely, to express anger means to verbally or physically let it out; to actually be angry. Anger typically appears as yelling, cursing, criticism, sarcasm, hitting, throwing things, and/or punching. It can also take a more subtle, passive/aggressive guise such as excluding someone or giving them the silent treatment.

BA: “I can’t believe you broke my favorite lamp! My grandmother gave it to me and it’s irreplaceable. You have no respect for my personal property! I knew I couldn’t trust you! If I broke something of yours you’d be furious!”

GA: “I’m really upset that my antique lamp got broken. It was given to me by my grandmother and can never be replaced.”

In the second example, you explained your anger, you don’t express it nor attack or blame the responsible party. This thwarts the need for the other person to defend themselves against and allows the encounter to remain civil. In this regard, you open the door to finding solutions instead of arguing.

Evaluate for fairness. Ask yourself, “Am I being fair and reasonable in this situation?” Taking a moment and evaluating your circumstances prevents you from making a foolish or possibly deadly error in judgment. It also enables you to evaluate what truly matters. Is this situation really that serious? Is it worthy of your anger? Are you blowing things out of proportion?

BA: “If you don’t eat all of your peas I’m throwing away your bike!” a frustrated mother screams at her six-year old.

GA: Mom re evaluates the situation. “Tommy is a pretty good eater but he really does hate peas. I could give him string beans instead. He’ll eat those will less fuss. As long as he eats some veggies I’m happy.” Problem solved and everyone’s happy.

In taking a moment to reassess our position , we have the opportunity to better know ourselves, to analyze our priorities, to reassess our values. There may be some postures in need of minor adjustments; others that need to be discarded completely. A moment of contemplation can be very enlightening and as a result we evolve to a higher awareness of the self and life in general. On every level, this is a significant benefit.
Separate the issue from the individual, the problem from the person. How many people can consciously separate being angry about an issue rather than with the individual?

BA: “Our family reunion is today. I’ve worked for a year planning this and now it’s raining. I told you not to have it in April, the rainiest month of the year. But, no, you wouldn’t listen to me. You are so selfish and controlling! You ruined the entire day!”

GA: “I can’t believe it – it’s raining and we have sixty people coming over for our annual family reunion. I had a feeling this was going to happen. This is going to be a disaster if we don’t act quickly. We all need to make some phone calls to see if we can rent some tents or a local VFW hall.”

In this instance, even though the couple clearly had different ideas as to when to host such a large gathering, the wife fully understood that even though she disagreed with her husband’s choice of dates, she did concede to his way. Taking responsibility for her decision, anger directed at her spouse would be unjust. In this moment, she was angry over the situation – the fact that her hopes for a sunny day were dashed by precipitation. She did not blame or attack her husband; she attacked the problem not the person.

Contemplate this: the next time you get angry, take your favorite object in your house and smash in on the floor. When you have calmed down, re evaluate your actions. Feel the regret for having damaged something valuable that was not responsible for how you felt. Now, imagine taking your anger out on another and causing them harm. Like the object, they are not liable for your feelings yet they suffered the consequences of your wrath. There is no justification in your actions.

Make matters right. Put forth 100% of your efforts into making matters better. After accurately identifying the issue behind the rage, concentrating on finding a solution, on fixing what is broken or does not work, on correcting an injustice or restoring fairness to a situation. By doing so, you are creating positive change in a negative environment that will benefit all parties.

BA: For a long time, there has been one member at work who does not do their share. You continually pick up the slack for them. “Enough is enough. From now on, I’m going to do the bare minimum, just like my coworker. If they can lax then so can I.”

GA: “I need to address this issue with them and hopefully get it resolved. If that doesn’t work, I’ll bring it to the attention of my supervisor. In any event, I take pride in doing my job well and will continue to do so. However, I will no longer do theirs for them.”

In the second response, you have chosen to use your anger to try and rectify an impropriety. Regardless of the outcome, you do not allow your circumstances to cause you to lower your standards. You resolve to rise above and be pleased with who you are at all times.
No one needs to fear anger nor deny it should it arise. Anger can be beneficial if you understand why it has appeared and what you need to do with it. Keep in mind the following suggestions:

~Postpone expressing yourself until you’ve calmed down.
~State what you’re angry about and why.
~Evaluate for fairness.
~Separate the issue from the individual.
~Make matters right.

Now that you’ve done that, go ahead and get good and angry.

Q: “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”
― Ambrose Bierce

Order The Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html

Listen to past shows on iHeart Radio @ http://ow.ly/OADTf
Listen to my newest iHeart Radio show, BETWEEN YOU AND GOD, @ http://ow.ly/OADJK
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Continuing from where we left off last week, remember that there is a time to speak and a time to keep our mouths shut. Here are more examples of when it’s best to remain silent:

11. When you are tempted to outright lie. People lie for a variety of reasons: to protect themselves or another person, out of fear of being judged or condemned, to create drama or damage another person’s reputation. Take a moment and reconsider, for those who lie will eventually be revealed and suffer scars upon their character as well as have to face the consequences of their actions. Proverbs 10:21 “The lips of the righteous feed many, But fools die for lack of understanding.”

12. If your words will damage another person’s reputation or cause them any unnecessary hardships. We all have dirt on one another – those little secrets that others think we don’t know about. And we all have things about ourselves we would like to keep private. We have a choice as to whether we share that information with others or allow it to remain confidential. Before revealing anything that could possibly cause anyone any harm, examine your motives. Is this absolutely necessary that I do so or is it in the best interest of all to allow said information to remain concealed?

13. If your words will destroy a relationship, either yours or someone else’s. At times, we’ve all wanted to tell people what we really think about them. In the heat of anger, true feelings are often revealed without thought as to how they will affect either or both parties. Criticisms, complaints, bitterness, jealousy, judgments, and hatred can all destroy relationships. A moment of contemplation before speaking can prevent a landslide of devastation. Even those unkind words we say to ourselves can cause irreparable damage to our self-esteem. Make certain your words always emanate from a place of kindness.

14. When you are tempted to criticize. Constructive criticism is an oxymoron. It does not exist. It is a ploy that disguises a hurtful comment as helpful one. The one criticizing gains a sense of power over the other person, eliciting feels of shame, hurt, remorse, or self-loathing from them. Criticism in its authentic form is demoralizing and cruel. Keep in mind, too, that one must first live in a spotless house before condemning another’s. I recommend offering constructive suggestions to bring forth positive change.

15. If you can’t speak without yelling. Humans somehow believe that in order to gain someone’s attention or cooperation they must raise their voices to an extreme decibel level. “The louder I speak the more they’ll hear me.” Like the sound of loud construction equipment, people at excessively loud noises and take measures to protect their ears from damage. People either tune out shouting or, like me, physically remove themselves from the source. Take a deep breath before speaking and keep the volume at a reasonable level.

16. When it’s time to listen. Isaiah 50:4 “The Lord GOD has given Me the tongue of disciples, That I may know how to sustain the weary one with a word He awakens Me morning by morning, He awakens My ear to listen as a disciple.” We are commanded to listen to and obey the Word of God. Keep in mind that God created two ears and only one mouth – for a reason! We are meant to listen twice as much as we speak. But listening involves more than just the ears: we must also be willing to listen with our hearts so that we may feel what the other is saying.

17. If you may have to offer an apology afterwards. Carpenters have a rule of thumb: measure twice, cut once. There is much wisdom in this ethic as one wastes less time and material by taking careful measures to make an accurate cut the first time. We would be wise to apply this knowledge to our words as well: think twice, speak once. Too often, we are careless in our choice of words and in retrospect realize they were not the best choice. In these cases, it becomes necessary to offer an apology for any insensitive comments we made. As powerful as an expression of remorse it, it cannot undo the damage our words causes. Like a board that was incorrectly cut, the carpenter can glue it back together but the blemish remains forever.

18. If you have already said it more than once. I have learned that people will either hear you or not. They will chose to understand you or not. Regardless of how often you repeat yourself, some people are simply not interested in what you have to say or they may not be capable of understanding it. You may offer a bit of clarity if the other person is unclear on what you meant. But to keep repeating the same thing over and over is called nagging. People turn a deaf ear to badgering.

19. When you are tempted to support, agree with, encourage, or condone a person’s bad behaviors. Would you ever advise your children to use drugs or drink and drive? Of course not. Any good parents would always encourage their children to make smart choices. Those who are believers in God teach them to live a morally righteous life, to follow God’s Commandments, to always be kind and honest. How, then can I support or condone immoral behavior from others? To tell my coworker to get even with a colleague who betrayed them is reprehensible on my part. To hope a criminal gets the death penalty for the heinous crime they committed violates Divine Law. Unless I can be the voice of reason, the bearer of virtuous behavior, I need to remain silent rather than give morally wrong advice. Ephesians 4:29 ” Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

20. When you are supposed to be working instead. There’s an interesting passage in the Bible in Proverbs 14:23 “All hard work brings a profit but mere talk leads only to poverty.” I have always had difficulty talking and working at the same time. I am unable to put my full concentration on the task at hand. In that regard, I would often make careless errors or costly mistakes. One needs to put their full mental concentration on the task before them in order to put forth their best work. Idle chatter is distracting and counter-productive.

21. When you’re fighting a losing battle. When disputes arise, we often feel compelled to continue to try and convince the other party that we’re right and they’re wrong. Unless we are dealing with facts, Truth, or issues of morality, differences are not necessarily an indication of being right or wrong. They are simply disagreements, each party seeing things from a different perspective. If you find yourself trying to prove your “rightness”, let it go. This type of behavior is all ego based: one needs to prove themselves superior over another.

22. When what you are about to say will only make matters worse. If someone has made an error or is feeling poorly about themselves, we have the option of being a light in the darkness for them, helping them to see the goodness in who they are, or contributing to their already low self-image. If your son doesn’t make the football team because he’s overweight and out of shape, offer some assistance in helping him to improve so he can try again next year or try out for a sport more suitable for him. Make certain that your words are always encouraging and uplifting.
Proverbs 21:23: “Whosoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps his soul from trouble.”

23. When you talk just to fill up the silence or to hear yourself talk. People are often uncomfortable in the silence. They feel compelled to offer a distraction by filling the space with words. However, as an idle mind is the devil’s workshop, idle chatter can be just as dangerous. Rambling can lead to all sorts of foolish statements, irreverent comments, offensive observations, rude humor, and so on. Additionally, when we are busy chattering we are not listening – to the other party or to God. Silence truly is golden for it is in the stillness that one hears the Word of God.
Ecclesiastes 5:2 “Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, o let your words be few.”

Conversation is highly overrated. There is both intelligence and beauty in silence. Listen to the stillness. Know when it’s best not to say anything at all.
Q: “Life isn’t a competition. It’s a cooperation. Until we are willing to stop fighting to prove our superiority and gain dominance over others and join together to uplift one another, we will never establish world peace.”

Order The Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html

Listen to past shows on iHeart Radio @ http://ow.ly/OADTf
Listen to my newest iHeart Radio show, BETWEEN YOU AND GOD, @ http://ow.ly/OADJK
Follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, Pinterest, Google+

“20+ TIMES TO NOT SAY ANYTHING” Pt 1

There are so many times in our lives when we realize after the fact that it would have been in our best interest to have kept our thoughts to ourselves. Words are powerful and can make matters better or cause damage to others or get us into a whole lot of trouble. There is much wisdom in the old adage to “think before you speak”, sage advice for us to follow throughout our entire lives. The Bible tells us that there is a time to reap and a time to sow, a time to laugh and a time to cry. There is also a time to speak and a time to keep our mouths shut. Here are more than twenty such times:

1. When we are angry or upset. Emotions fuel our behavior including our choice of words. Intense emotions, such as anger, cloud rational thinking and oftentimes propels us to say hurtful or rude comments that may cause pain to the other party, damage our relationship with them, or get one or more of us in trouble. Give yourself time to calm down and cool off before speaking. Refer to the SWaT Strategy in my book, The Secret Side of Anger. Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.”

2. When we speak before knowing all of the facts. How often do we open our mouth before knowing all the details of what we are commenting on? We see a scratch on our car when coming out of the store and assume the person closest to it with the overflowing shopping cart is responsible for the damages. We immediately accuse them of wrongdoing. Doing so shows little regard for their feelings and zero interest in deciphering the truth. One only seeks a target for their ire. Therefore, make certain your brain is in gear before your mouth is in motion.

3. When you comment on an issue before verifying that it is true. Our political system is highly volatile, in part, due to accusations and assumptions being perpetrated by the media and others before fact checking to see if their information is correct. Misinformation, lies, assumptions can all lead to unnecessary drama and hardship. Make certain your source of information is accurate before commenting. “Those who seek the truth ask questions. Those who are uninterested form judgments.”~ Janet Pfeiffer

4. If your choice of words will hurt or offend the other party. It’s important to be truthful to one another even when we are not happy with them. However, one can politely state how they feel and do so while showing sensitivity towards the other. There are multiple ways of saying the same thing: choose the one most respectful. Imagine how you would feel if those same comments were directed at you. Proverbs 16:24 “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, Sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

5. If your words do not reflect Divine Love. Imagine how Jesus would have spoken to others. Will your words be reflective of His compassion and kindness? One need not believe in Jesus to follow His example of benevolence towards humanity. 1Corinthians: “Let all that you do (say) be done in love.” Temper your words with kindness, always.

6. When you are tempted to make light of a serious situation. Joking about that which is sinful, illegal, immoral, or painful to another is insensitive and in poor taste. We must always show reverence for that which is a violation of Divine or civil law or common decency. Compassion towards others enables us to refrain from minimizing another’s suffering. Sometimes we do so in an attempt to ease our own discomfort in the situation but to do so is insensitive to others.

7. When you would regret your words later. Once spoken, words cannot be retracted. Even an apology cannot erase the damage hurtful words can do for once released they can live inside the receiver’s mind for a lifetime. Said once; replayed for eternity. Therefore, carefully choose only those words that you would feel comfortable with knowing they will live on forever.

8. When you are tempted to use God’s Name in conjunction with an offensive comment. Society has pretty much deemed it acceptable to combine the Name of the Lord with profanity and along with phrases of disdain. To do so is an offense to the One who is Purity, Light, and Love. Unclean comments are an abomination to the Lord. The Third Commandment states “Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.” Choose alternative phrases to express your displeasure.

9. If your words are misleading or convey the wrong impression. For someone to misrepresent themselves as something other than who they are is deceitful and wrong. In some cases, it can be illegal (such as an EMT misrepresenting themselves as a medical doctor). To make wrongful insinuations about another person or situation with the deliberate intent of misleading others is a poor reflection on your character as well as being unjust to the other party. Actions of this nature can be accompanied by serious consequences to yourself as well as others.

10. If the issue is none of your business. MYOB is great advice: mind your own business. How often do we feel compelled to comment on that which is not our concern? By intervening, we often contribute too much information or information that others may not need to know or should not know about, give inappropriate advice or make improper comments, or offend others by becoming involved in a private matter. Think twice before joining a conversation that you have not been invited into.

11. When you are tempted to outright lie. People lie for a variety of reasons: to protect themselves or another person, out of fear of being judged or condemned, to create drama or damage another person’s reputation. Take a moment and reconsider, for those who lie will eventually be revealed and suffer scars upon their character as well as have to face the consequences of their actions. Proverbs 10:21 “The lips of the righteous feed many, But fools die for lack of understanding.”

12. If your words will damage another person’s reputation or cause them any unnecessary hardships. We all have dirt on one another – those little secrets that others think we don’t know about. And we all have things about ourselves we would like to keep private. We have a choice as to whether we share that information with others or allow it to remain confidential. Before revealing anything that could possibly cause anyone any harm, examine your motives. Is this absolutely necessary that I do so or is it in the best interest of all to allow said information to remain concealed?

Words can hurt or words can heal. There are times when it is far more intelligent and compassionate to remain silent. Think carefully before speaking. Next week, we’ll continue with even more occasions when it is better to not say anything at all.