Posts Tagged ‘victimization’

NEVER BE A VICTIM AGAIN!

At some time in life, most people feel as though they’ve been treated unfairly to the extent that they would consider themselves a victim. Certainly those who have been the target of a violent crime fall into that category according to society’s standards. Even those of lesser offenses can view themselves as the target of injustice: a faithful spouse who’s partner has an affair or files for divorce; a child being tormented by a bully at school; one who has a rumor spread about them, particularly those that cause significant damage or distress.

By definition, a victim is one who is acted on and (generally speaking) is adversely affected by a force or agent such as robbery, physical assault, or murder. A person who is cheated, tricked or fooled by another (which may or may not cause them harm, such as the target of an innocent prank) or one who is coned out of their life savings for instance, can also be seen as a victim. There are also victims of unforeseen circumstances such as disease or natural disaster (hurricane, flood), or that which is out of their control (bad economy, company downsizing). Typically we perceive said person as being innocent of any wrongdoing that contributed to their unfortunate circumstance. One who engages in gang activity and suffers severe physical harm to their person is not seen as blameless but rather contributory to their injuries. Someone who is unproductive on the job and overlooked for a promotion given to the boss’s son is not a victim of nepotism for their prior actions (or lack thereof) are justification for their being ignored. However, one who has lived a wholesome lifestyle and diagnosed with a devastating disease receives much sympathy.

Yet even those who diverge from the universal criteria for victimization, there are still a significant number who believe they fall into this category. The reasons are several: a victim is one who feels powerless in a given situation. Statements such as “I can’t help it”, “It’s not my fault”, “I did nothing to deserve this”, “Why me?” are common complaints. They view themselves as completely innocent of any wrongdoing and shoulder no responsibility for what is or has transpired but are quick to hold others accountable (blame).They also perceive themselves as having no choice but to comply with or endure what is has happened and fail to see options that could have possibly prevented or could now resolve that which is unjust. Very often, those who feel they have been the deliberate target of an wrongdoing feel persecuted and are consumed with self-pity, resentment, bitterness, and rage.

In truth, the label of “victim” is a matter of perception alone. The Dalai Lama says that “There are no victims in life, only students.” This compelling statement illustrates the power of perception. In any of life’s circumstances, how I view myself is critical to how I react to and/or use the event in my life. Going through my divorce, the estrangement from my children, my dad’s Alzheimer’s, a domestic violence relationship – in each I could see myself as a victim since I was powerless to control, prevent, or correct many of these situations. Or I could choose to learn from each in order that I may grow, become a better person, and share my knowledge with others so that they may benefit as well. That choice is entirely up to me. The first leaves me angry and bitter; the latter grateful and determined.

One of the easiest and quickest means of eliminating a victim mentality is actually quite simple. When something unexpected enters our life, we may react by asking: “Why is this happening to me?” We are stunned that something of such an unpleasant nature could actually appear in our life. This question implies that we are being targeted by someone or some unseen force. In truth, there may be those who seek to deliberately hurt me or this could simply be a random act. In any event, I am not immune to so-called bad things happening. However, one simple shift in terminology releases me from the chains of victimhood to one of liberation and strength. By changing the phrase to me to for me I can experience the event as merely a challenge to accept or as a genuine blessing in my life to appreciate rather than a curse or trauma. In truth, there are no bad experiences; there simply are events that enter our lives. How we label and view them and how we choose to use them determines their value, nothing else. One can view a stroke as a nightmare or they can see it as an opportunity to reinvent their life.

The reality of what has transpired is irrelevant; all that matters is one’s assessment and use of it.

Victims believe they have no power and powerlessness is the very definition of anger. Therefore, victims are filled with anger and fear (a root cause of anger) and may experience rage or paralyzing anxiety. They fail to recognize that all humans possess authentic power which is found in the ability to make personal choices – how we view things, what we think and feel, what we say or don’t say, how we respond or not, and how we allow life to impact us. That is the only real control any of us have – our ability to make our own decisions.

In truth, none of us has dominance over anything eternal, anything outside of the self. I can only influence my surroundings but I cannot control them. Sometimes things work out as I anticipated, other times not even remotely close. I can choose to put forth effort to correct that which I am unsatisfied with or I can elect to accept and be at peace with it. My choice.

So how does one move beyond the mindset of being a victim to establishing authority over their own lives, success, and happiness?

1. Remember that everything that enters your life has purpose and value. The labels you assign determine their worth: good or bad are relevant terms on in the sense that they are dictated by your personal standards. Re evaluate their assessment, removing any derogatory notions and seek the meaning and importance of each. Once its significance is determined, one can find a way to use the experience for a greater good.
Life isn’t about truth and reality; life is about perception. The reality of what has transpired is irrelevant; all that matters is one’s assessment and use of it.
2. Check your perception for accuracy. Many times our expectations of life are unrealistic, such as “my life should be what I want it to be”. Unmet expectations lead to frustration(another root cause of anger), a sense of powerlessness, anger, and bitterness. Be honest and real with yourself about the unpredictability that life affords all of its participants.
3. Try to view each situation from every perspective. By gaining a greater understanding of the cause and nature of the event, we are better able to make sense of it. This can lead to a willingness to accept that which we cannot change.
4. Ask yourself, “What is this experience here to teach me?” Courage, determination, trust, self-confidence, forgiveness: life’s most profound lessons are most often found in our most difficult happenings. This, too, adds greater value to what has transpired.
5. Take control. Are there any changes that can be made to improve things for you and others who have been affected? If so, create a plan and begin putting forth effort. If not, acceptance of those things that we cannot change enables us to move beyond the occurrence with a peaceful determination to get on with our lives.
6. Forgive those who contributed to what happened. People can be mean-spirited, thoughtless, careless, selfish, and more. Their actions are a reflection of their issues, they are not about you. Forgiving acknowledges mankind’s imperfections and releases all judgments. It chooses to put to rest any anger, hatred, jealousy, thoughts of retaliation and so on. Again, learn the lesson, let go of the emotion attached to it, and move forward as a stronger better version of yourself.
7. Accept responsibility for your role, if applicable. Vow to learn and not repeat the same behavior in the future. Forgive yourself as well.

Buddha says, “Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.” All of us will experience some type of pain in our lives – physical, emotional, financial, etc. However, when we prolong the pain and keep it actively alive in our minds, it converts to suffering that can last a lifetime and destroy our lives.

Remember, victimization is an illusion, not a reality; it is a choice, not a given.

It is rooted in our perception of ourselves in the context of an event accompanied by feelings of self-pity and persecution.
Reclaim your authentic power utilizing your ability to choose. In the words of Pastor Joel Osteen, “You are a victor, not a victim” God created you to rise above and be victorious in every the challenge. You were not created to suffer and fail. Those are personal choices that you need to re evaluate.
Stand tall. Face life as it appears. Redefine each event and use them in such a way that benefits you and those around you. And in doing so, you will never fall prey to the illusion of being a victim ever again.

Q: No one journeys through life unscathed. Each of us faces hardships and challenges along the way. It matters not what enters our life but more importantly what we do with it: how we use it to better ourselves and those around us.

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Redefining Victimization – A New Approach

“I’m a victim of domestic violence.” That’s one phrase you’ll never hear emanating from my mouth. Even though I spent three years engaged to marry someone who verbally and physically abused me, I never once entertained the thought of myself as a victim. Perhaps it’s because I define a victim as one without power. True, in some circumstances we are unprepared or momentarily ill-equipped to protect ourselves from the unexpected disturbances life presents us. Driving home from work along the same roads you’ve traversed for the past ten years you’re suddenly broadsided by a drunk driver running a red light. Even with the deployment of the airbag and the seatbelt securely anchoring you to the driver’s seat, you suffer substantial injuries that forever alter the way in which you are able to function. I know of no one who would be so callous as to not see that individual as the victim of a dwi – with the possible exception of myself and perhaps a few others. Let me explain.

No matter how exemplary one has lived their life, no one is immune to life’s surprises. Things happen – to all of us. Well, let me correct that: things happen for us. One if the major flaws of a victim mentality is that they believe they are being targeted, that for some unknown reason the forces of the universe are out to get them. They suffer from a condition I call PMS (no, not that PMS): Poor Me Syndrome. They feel sorry for themselves as though they are undeserving of the unfairness’s the rest of the world must endure.

Victims tend to share certain characteristics:
o They believe they are or were powerless in the situation (the very definition of anger).
o They fail to see how the collective choices they’ve made in life brought them into their current situation.* They believe they are completely without responsibility.
o They were unfairly targeted.
o They use their position of victim-hood to justify their prolonged anger.
o Being victimized garners sympathy and attention from others.
o Others support them when they seek justice and/or revenge.
o It excuses them from living fiercely and fully embracing life while relying on others to protect them from further harm.

Each of us is granted three universal attributes: intellect (the ability to gather information), free will (the right to make our own decisions) and choice (the application of free will). In the event I am ambushed by life, I choose to either graciously accept my experience and utilize it for my own good or to be held hostage to it.

The Dalai Lama says that there are no victims in life, only students. It is essential that we have certain experiences in order to fulfill our life’s purpose. We have the option of seeing ourselves as a helpless victim or as a student of the experience. Although some events arrive wrapped in unpleasant and damage coverings, we all have the ability and responsibility to extract the contents and uncover the hidden value. In that way, whatever appears to be tragic can ultimately prove to be one of our greatest blessings.

So the choice is yours. Victimization exists only in the mind. Trust in the process of life; have faith in God. All is exactly as it must be for your higher good. Be at peace. You are not helpless – you have all the power you need within.

*I chose to attend a retreat that included my future abuser. I chose to engage in conversation with him. I chose to continue a friendship with him after the retreat ended. I chose to fall in love with him. I chose to stay even after the first red flags appeared. Personal choice after personal choice which ultimately lead to a dv relationship. In what way was I a victim?

To order a copy of The Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth visit http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html

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