Posts Tagged ‘health’

DEAL WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE USING C~U~R~B~APPEAL

We all have challenging people in our lives yet unfortunately few of us have been properly trained in how to effectively deal with them. Well, that’s going to change today. In no particular order, using the an acronym “C~U~R~B Appeal”, you will learn tips that will better enable you to get along with difficult people.

C: Consequences Very often when we are dealing with challenging individuals we fail to set limits and boundaries. We may be comfortable speaking up and addressing their inappropriate behaviors or attitudes. Additionally we might also comment on how we expect them to behave. However, that’s typically as far as we get. Without motivation to change (which can either be a reward or a penalty) people are often inclined to continue doing what they’re doing without regard for the feelings or impact it has on others. Much like our speed limits, if police officers only expressed a desire that we obey them rather than exceed those limits, few would comply. Imposing a ticket or points on the offender’s license gives one ample reason to make the necessary changes. The key to effective consequences is following through with them.

U: Understanding It’s essential to realize that behavior is an outward expression of our internal issues. Those who are arrogant, vengeful, rude, combative, uncooperative, etc. are verbally or physically expressing what is bothering them inside, those issues that they have not yet resolved or healed. Individuals are not always aware of why they act as they do and are therefore powerless to some extent to change. Even though I may be understanding that one who is yelling and threatening me is operating from a place of fear (aggression is a need to self-protect from a perceived threat), I may not necessarily know the source of that fear and neither is it necessary. I only need to be understanding of their suffering and therefore compassionate that they are struggling with an unresolved issue.

R: Respect Regardless of how difficult the individual may be, it is imperative to always treat them with dignity and respect. This can be extremely challenging as it is our natural inclination to want to put others in their place when they are acting out or to get even with those who have offended us. We also tend to assign value to people based, in part, on how they treat others. Those who are disrespectful or offensive have lower worth to us than those who treat one another with dignity. However, it is not our place to judge; neither do people have to earn our esteem. Respect is defined as “to value” and the one who assigns importance to all humanity is the One who created it. All human life has equal value. Respect is a God-given birthright. To offer it is a Divine responsibility. Additionally being courteous shows the other party how to be polite as well and hopefully they will follow your example.

B: Boundaries Robert Frost said, “Good fences make good neighbors.” In every relationship it is important to establish rules and regulations defining what is acceptable treatment and what is not. Too often, we are fearful of speaking up when someone mistreats us or treats us in a way that we find offensive or uncomfortable. “People should know how to treat one another,” we proclaim. However, respectable treatment is different for each person. What one is fine with another may find appalling. Each person must be crystal clear in their own minds how they want to be treated – what is and is not permissible – and then clearly convey that to the other party. Without verbally expressing our desires, we cannot expect that every person will treat us in a way that we find acceptable. Ideally, having boundaries in place precedes consequences. Once they are made known, one can follow up by also expressing the consequences they are prepared to enforce should the other person disregard their request.

A: Appeal Appealing to what matters to the other person , to what is important to them, is a powerful tool in gaining their cooperation. What strikes a chord within is more likely to result in an affirmative response than that which they cannot relate to. For example, one can appeal to their sense of moral values making a statement such as, “I know that it matters to you to always do what is right and fair.” Pointing to issues of right and wrong, or to what is in their best interest can also enable them to adjust their attitudes or behaviors. “Do you think that your choice is ultimately going to be good for you? I’m concerned that it may not be and you certainly deserve to be safe/happy/healthy, etc.” “How is this behavior/attitude going to benefit you?” is another powerful question that challenges the other person to reconsider their actions. “What is the more responsible thing to do? Is this a fair decision for everyone? Are you being a good role model for your children?” are all thought-provoking questions. Reach out and touch their “heart interests”, what matters most to them. Share your concern for their well-being and in doing so you may very well gain their trust and cooperation.

In dealing with those who require greater effort on our parts, it is imperative that we remove our own ego and operate from a place of spirit – kindness, concern, and equality. Remind yourself that everyone is struggling with their own unique pain and fear. It is not your place to put them in their place but rather to uplift them and assist them in creating the best scenario possible at that moment. With a little concern, a reasonable amount of patience, and the C~U~R~B Appeal Method, you’ll increase your ability to better interact with those who are typically uncooperative with others.

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NEVER ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN TO YOU!

We’re all influenced by those around us and by what is occurring in our lives. Something as simple as the weather can affect how we feel. A cloudy, rainy day can take an otherwise cheerful person and transform them into a gloomy Gus of sorts. Being stuck in traffic can alter one’s mood from that of excitement for what begins as a day filled with great anticipation to one of frustration and agitation. Moods can be uplifted or crushed by outside circumstances and once that occurs it can be very difficult to regain the positive mind frame we originally had.

We’ve all witnessed, or even experienced, how others influence who we are and the way in which we behave. A rather timid individual can be persuaded to participate in a risky endeavor at the encouragement of another. Bungee jumping, riding a motorcycle, or traveling to a foreign country can prove advantageous as it enables the other party to become more adventurous and therefore expand their life experiences. Trying new foods, undergoing a fashion makeover, or studying a new culture can all help to bring a shy person out of their shell and into a more diverse world.

We’ve also witnessed how other’s personalities have been affected by those around them. My friend, Joe, was very self-conscious. Unhappy with the fact that he was missing many of life’s joys by isolating, Joe made the decision to befriend people who were the exact opposite of him – outgoing and gregarious. In doing so, their confidence rubbed off on him and he found himself becoming more of the person he had always hoped he would be. And while these examples all seem to be beneficial to those involved, there are instances when the opposite can be true.

I’d venture to say that we’ve all be subjected to people who are poor role models and even poorer examples of the kind of person we aspire to be. After Sharon’s divorce in 2012, she began dating a younger man who was heavily into partying and the bar scene. Only an occasional social drinker, Sharon soon found herself drinking excessively in order to keep up with her new-found cohorts. Eventually, she lost her driving privileges due to a DUI as well as the respect of her family and former friends. Her life went into a downward spiral: she lost everything she had worked so hard to achieve. But most of all, she lost herself.

People often succumb to the bad behaviors of others. Your brother-in-law makes a nasty remark about you and you counter with one equally as offensive. Your boss hires her daughter as the new office manager. Resentment is high as the employees all ban together to make her work experience an unpleasant one. Pressure to participate in a behavior you find repugnant is intense. Do you concede or maintain your principles of treating everyone with dignity and respect?

Our world is filled with those who are poor role models. It’s easy to get swept up in the drama and feel pressured to relinquish our values. One who has high levels of moral integrity must never allow themselves to behave in an corrupt manner. One who is trustworthy can never lie or cheat or steal due to the coercion of those who engage in such unsavory acts simply because everyone does it.

Never ever allow anyone to bring you down to their level. One must always maintain their standards of integrity in order to be happy with who they are. If you do not approve of or like a behavior in another, such as arrogance, selfishness or rudeness, why would you want to embrace that as a part of your lifestyle? In doing so, you become exactly what you dislike in others and thereby lose all respect for yourself. When I was about ten years old, the group of girls I played with would all get together after school and go over to Nancy’s house. We’d sit at the dining room table and choose one person to make fun of. One by one, we’d all say unkind things about her. This was not how I was raised, I thought. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. But in an effort to fit in, I went along with the others. I allowed them to change who I was: a kind and thoughtful child. I hated myself and thankfully this activity was short-lived. But I learned an important lesson that has served me well for my entire life: and that is to always be true to myself and never allow anyone to change who I am.
I now refuse to allow anyone or anything to change me in any way. I carefully weigh all that enters my life from people to experiences and make individual determinations as to how I will allow them to influence me.

Before being swayed by another person’s attitudes or actions, ask yourself the following questions:
1. Is this in alignment with my basic values and moral principles?
2. What possible consequences would I or others face should I engage in this behavior?
3. How will I feel about myself during and after the event?
4. How will I be viewed by others?*

Never engage in any activity that causes you to:
a. violate your personal principles and values, creating inner turmoil and conflict.
b. feel embarrassed or ashamed during or afterwards, regardless of whether or not anyone else is aware of what’s transpired.
c. become unhappy and angry with yourself.
d. lose self-respect.

Never ever allow another person to change who you are. Always maintain your principles and values. You are the one who will ultimately pay the price or reap the rewards. Be smart; be self-loving.

* It is a common belief today that one must not concern themselves with what others think about them. I am not one who subscribes to this modern-day philosophy. I do believe other people’s opinions of us can be useful as they help us to understand how others see us. Perhaps they recognize something in us that we are not aware of, either unintentionally or because we’re in denial. Once realized, we can have a better understanding of ourselves and an opportunity to correct an inappropriate behavior.
Order The Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html

Listen to past shows on iHeart Radio @ http://ow.ly/OADTf
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The Anger Exchange: Give Up These 7 to Gain This Instead

If you’ve read my book, The Secret Side o f Anger, or attended one of my lectures on the topic, you know that while there are thousands of events that can trigger anger, there are actually only three root causes: hurt, fear, and frustration. In any given circumstance, you can trace anger back to one or more of these causes. For the purpose of today’s show, I’ve going to cover seven erroneous belief systems and/or behaviors that fuel our outrage, how we can relinquish them, and what we will gain by doing so.
Give up:
1. Limiting or inaccurate beliefs: It’s not uncommon to make statements such as “It’s impossible” or “I can’t do that.” In doing so, we are putting constraints on life’s possibilities and restricting our chances for success. Beliefs such as “I’m not good enough” erode our self-esteem and lead to a life of depression and failure. Feelings of hopelessness (the very definition of anger) and frustration (a root cause) lead to anger, outrage, and despair.
Gain: A positive outlook allows for unlimited possibilities and fuels desire, hope, and effort. Excitement, determination, and accomplishment replace hopelessness, self-loathing, and anger. Self-confidence rises out of our continued successes.

2. Complaining: By its very nature, the act of finding fault with a situation or person focuses on the negative. Our expectations of how things should be or how another should act have not met our standards. Negative thoughts can only lead to negative feelings such as disgust, disillusionment, and anger. Gratitude is the antidote to criticizing.
Gain: Finding something, anything, to be grateful for enables one to see the goodness and benefits that surround them. In that way, one experiences joyfulness and gratitude rather than disdain.

3. Need to be right: Like kerosene to a flame, the need to be right is a guaranteed accelerant of anger. Rooted in low self-esteem, one needs to prove their level of intelligence, their worthiness, and/or superiority over another in order to feel good about themselves and to maintain a particular image in front of others. When two parties disagree, needing to prove one’s authority over the other will invariably end in a fight. Disagreements do not necessarily equate to issues of right or wrong but may instead indicate a person’s preferences or opinions. Work on strengthening how you feel about yourself and the need to be right will vanish.
Gain: This one simple shift will dramatically improve the quality of your relationships as others begin to feel more comfortable in your presence. Your confidence enables you to be more open-minded and relaxed while enjoying the other person’s company more. The possibility of offending or alienating the other person is dramatically reduced.

4. Control: The need to control is based in fear. It’s normal and healthy to be concerned about how one’s life progresses as we all worry about our own well-being. In any situation, we try to create the outcome that will be best for us (and others if possible).The one who has greater control appears to have greater influence on the outcome. One lacks trust in the natural progression of life or in the capabilities of others. The need to have a predetermined result leads to anxiety and worry, underlying causes of anger.
Gain: Letting go and allowing life to unfold naturally means having faith and trust in one’s ability to adapt to their changing circumstances. Additionally, it illustrates a faith in God that what is meant to enter or exit our lives is always for our higher good. Relinquishing control makes way for a relaxed and peaceful approach to life.

5. Judgment: We are typically harsh in our assessment of others. We form critical opinions that create a hierarchy of value among us. Judgments are formed through the practice of comparisons: we compare others with ourselves or with what we consider to be normal or acceptable. We fail to allow for individual circumstances, personality traits, beliefs, abilities, etc. Judging creates tension in relationships on every level. Negative and unkind thoughts about others lead to resentment, anger, disgust, and so on. Replacing judgment with understanding allows one to be more compassionate and supportive.
Gain: One immediately gains self-respect when they choose to no longer criticize or compare others. Allowing each person to navigate their own life in their own time and way reduces stress and arrogance within the critic as they become more compassionate and kinder beings. One’s reputation for being non-judgmental serves them well in every aspect of their life. Additionally, personal relationships become less confrontational and more enjoyable.

6. Resistance to change: Many people don’t like change because along with change comes the fear of the unknown. It’s not actually the uncertainty that people are afraid of but more specifically how they will be affected by it. When change is forced upon them they seek to maintain the status quo and become angry and resentful at the thought of someone forcing something upon them. Even necessary variations can cause anxiety and fear, underlying causes of anger. Accepting that change is both necessary and beneficial can help alleviate one’s fears. Building self-confidence, the belief in one’s abilities to thrive in any new circumstance, is empowering and freeing.
Gain: The more accepting one is concerning any of life’s conditions the less effort is expended in resistance, anger, bitterness, and fear. One is free to live a relaxed life eager and willing to face every new adventure life has to offer. A spirit of courage and enthusiastic anticipation allows for joyful living.

7. Blame: People are often eager to hold others accountable for any unfavorable events that occur. They blame others for how they feel, the poor choices they’ve made, and the sad condition of their lives. Blame renders one powerless as it transfers authority to another. If someone else is responsible for the condition of my life then that indicates that I have no power or control over myself. That is simply not true. I have intellect, free will, and choice. While I may not be able to fully control what occurs around me, I always have control over how I respond to it, perceive it, use it, and allow it to affect my life. Personal responsibility is where our personal power lies. Blame implies one is powerless (another definition of anger) and that invariable leads to distrust, bitterness, resentment, and self-pity.
Gain: Those who take full ownership for their feelings, choices, and life in general definitely feel stronger and more effective. They understand that they have full authority to change whatever is not working for them. In this way, their determination and perseverance will eventually provide the kind of life they are seeking.

When you give up each of the above mentioned behaviors, you will discover that there is greater ease to living, an improvement in most relationships, a greater sense of gratitude and joy in life, higher levels of self-esteem and confidence, and a new-found respect for one’s self. But the greatest gain in this process is inner peace. This is by far the most precious gift one can acquire in life. For without inner peace, nothing else truly matters.

Order The Secret Side of Anger, Second Edition or The Great Truth @ http://www.pfeifferpowerseminars.com/pps1-products.html

Listen to past shows on iHeart Radio @ http://ow.ly/OADTf
Listen to my newest iHeart Radio show, BETWEEN YOU AND GOD, @ http://ow.ly/OADJK
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